I am going to be real honest about how my brain has been functioning lately.
It is not consumed with Jesus, not with ministry, the people here,, my team, my squad, scripture, prayers, none of that.
My brain will not shut up about getting a teaching job when I get back.
All of a sudden May rolls around and it hits me that school is getting out, positions are opening and people are interviewing for jobs. Crap. I have not even filled out a single application. (Well how about there was only one I wanted to fill out and it erased it all before I submitted it.)
My mind is going crazy, I pray for dreams from God about my future, I ask for visions, and doors to be open. I dream about going back to the Philippines and running the orphanage, the next night God speaks “Savannah”, then I have a dream about Parson Hills, then a friend emails me with jobs open in Little Rock, then I am sick of it all and I don’t want to do anything but babysit and work at a coffee shop and spend time with my mom, then I have a dream about a school outside of Boston, but all I really want to do is teach at Springdale, but I have dreams that Springdale had openings but gave them to other people.
I A M G O I N G C R A Z Y.
Then God reminded me that
“I will not give you anything you can’t handle”
Yes Lord, I know that, it’s usually this saying that ticks me off when I am stressing about stuff and I thinking I can’t handle it. But God was speaking to me in a different way about the verse.
“Ashley, if you don’t get a teaching job it’s because I am preventing you from something you can’t handle. It’s not because you are not good enough, that your resume is not great, it’s not because schools do not want you there, it will be because you need to do something else for me, and rest.“
“uhm…. Ok. God that kinda makes me mad, I am tough and I work well under pressure and I can do it. I want to teach, you told me to switch my major to teach, I worked my butt off in school for 5 years. I will be fine”
Then it hit me that maybe I would not be ok. I mean on the first day of school I could say “oh yes a few weeks ago I was in Eastern Europe playing with gypsy children. Or, you look like the deaf boy we prayed for and could hear by the time we were done. What about the last time I was teaching I was in Nepal, where my students were covered in makeup to prevent “evil spirits” from entering them. What about the ones in Africa who did not have parents because they died of AIDS, and I needed to teach with out a single book in the classroom. Maybe I will not be ok knowing that the teacher lunch from the cafeteria costs the same amount as my meal budget for an entire day. Maybe when I hear a song on the radio on the way to work it will take me back to Thailand and images of women dancing on stripper poles as guys gawk at them while they dig into their wallets to see if they can afford to take them home.
Maybe I won’t be able to handle it.
Pause for a minute here. I am sitting on my bed, telling myself to not post this. If I post this, and a future principle reads this, they will assume I can’t handle it and not bother will offering me a job. SO I won’t risk that, and keep it on my computer.
But, God also reminds me of the verse “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me“
It’s not about me. Either way. If I get a job, I will be fully relying on His strength and grace to get me through every day. If I do not get a job I will rely on His peace that surpasses all understanding to know it’s what is best for me, and the other plans He has for my life. Whatever it is, I am done. Done thinking about it, done worrying about, done. It was finished on the cross before I was even born.
I will ask that you keep me in your prayers. Prayers for God’s perfect will to play out when I get back to America. Prayers if it is His will for favor in the perfect job, and for peace in my mind about all of it. I am sure my squad mates could also use prayer for futures as well. I love you all, thanks for all your support. See you VERY soon 😉
