It was a Beautiful Letdown

Last week was Welcome Week at Reinhardt, my school. It was a weird feeling not attending certain activites that I had once loved and probably even took for granted. Because I am not a student there. I do not attend Reinahrdt University currently. That was a place that was my home for 3 years. And when I say home, I really mean home. When I left for school in the fall of ’07, I did not return home until this past summer. I would stay there over the most of the breaks, even summer break. I had permament friends there, an apartment filled with accessories and memories, multiple jobs; I had a full and happy life there. Until that one day I truly opened my eyes and realized the place I used to claim as home, wasn’t really my home anymore. I am not sure if it was an sudden epiphany or a gradual realization, but it happened. I looked around and it all seemed so unfamiliar to me.

 

I did decide to go up there to visit. I wanted to see my roommates and say hello and NOT goodbye, but just a see ya later, heh, to a few good friends. As I walked around the campus, it became scary clear to me that I was right. I don’t belong there anymore. Which kind of put me in a weird mood. So I am no longer a student, so then what am I? Of course I could just as easily replace that title with another, such as missionary. But why? I have struggled with the idea of identity this whole past year. And the one thing that I do know is that titles will change. Friends will change. Jobs will change. Boyfriends will change. Residences will change. Everything changes! But through all the change, I am still a woman of God. I am a Daughter of Christ. That title will NEVER CHANGE.

 

So, I am not a college student. Not a big money makin machine. Not a glamour girl. I am just me. And I don’t really know where I fit in anymore. I can’t just go hang out at school anymore cause I don’t want to be “that weird kid” who we all talk about. Ha. I don’t consider myself to be one of those high powered, self sufficient women who hangs out at the classy bar after work drinking fancy martinis. I don’t spend 5 hours getting my hair, outfit, makeup and more ready to go clubbin all night on a random tuesday. I am not even this huge outdoorsy chick wearing cargo shorts, eating granola and living out of a tent. And a missionary? Who travles the world just talking about God and somehow “saving spiritual lives” and “bringing people to Christ” or something. I do not fit into any of those molds. So, where do I belong?

 

It was a beautiful letdown
When I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone
Unknown and hurt
It was a beautiful letdown
The day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do

In a world full of bitter pain
And bitter doubts
I was trying so hard to fit in
Fit in, until I found out

See, I don’t belong here
Well, I don’t belong here, I don’t belong
I will carry a cross
With a song where I don’t belong
I don’t belong
I don’t belong here
No, I don’t belong here, I don’t belong
I’m gonna set side
And set sail
For the kingdom come, kingdom come
Your kingdom come
Won’t you let me down, yeah
Let my foolish pride forever let me down

We are a beautiful letdown
Painfully uncool
The church of the dropouts
The losers, the sinners, the failures, and the fools
What a beautiful letdown
Are we salt in the wound
Hey, let us sing one true tune

I don’t belong here
It feels like I don’t belong here, yeah
It goes like I don’t belong here
I don’t belong
Won’t you let me down
C’mon and let me down
You always let me down
So glad that I’m let down
C’mon and let me down
‘Cause I don’t belong here
Won’t you let me down!

 

So, it was a beautiful letdown that lead me here. I am not about to say the the road to this divine clarity was an easy one, but its the only one I could have taken to get here. The point is, I am not meant to belong here. I was made in God’s image as an ambassador to this world, sent from Heaven. And that, my friends, is pretty freakin awesome. :]