It took about 20 minutes off this beaten path to find where church was being held. We were huffing and puffing but once we looked around we found ourselves surrounded by an enchanted forest and greeted with a crisp breeze in the air. We walked up to a house that is used on Sunday’s for church in their living room. This is where I met a little 7 year old girl named, Bick. I was immediately drawn to her; there was something special about her. Bick, carried pureness in her heart that exuded authenticity, joy and freedom. She had captivated my heart and I immediately joined into her world. We began cutting fake onions and putting dishes away, we would giggle at one another as we were playing. Soon after, her older sister sat behind Bick . Each time Bick did something “weird” or “different” than the other kids she would pinch her and Bick would look at her with sadness in her eyes not understanding what she did wrong. Like most children, her resiliency kicked in and she quickly started to be her true self again.
My heart began to break as I saw this cycle happen over and over as she would be herself and then be pinched or kicked to stop being different, to stop being her.
It was the first time from the outside looking in, not realizing I had experienced that Same taming of the world. The process of the world telling us to stop being ourselves, telling us to stop being different.
“SIT UP, ACT THIS WAY. ACT THAT WAY, DON’T DO THAT, IT LOOKS WEIRD”
Can you remember when this started happening to you? When the world started telling you it wasn’t okay to be you? I remember a specific time in 6th grade when it was no longer acceptable to be a tom boy and the world told me ‘’Ashley, people won’t like you if you keep acting this way.” So the conforming began. I remember going to my sister asking her to help me look more like the other girls. She helped me do my hair and put on a skirt and top. It felt so unnatural. I felt so weird. The second I started conforming to the world’s standards I began receiving affirmation for how I looked rather than for who I am. This is exactly where the enemy wanted me. Just as God has a race set out for my life so does the enemy. The enemy planted a seed in me to focus on the external things rather than things inside me and on things above.
The comparison seed was planted. My mind and heart began to be jaded at the age of 11. I began looking at what other girls looked like. Was I skinny enough? Was I pretty enough? Witty enough? Then the competition seed was planted in me. I began comparing myself to others instead of remembering who i was before the world got ahold of me. I’m realizing that when you look at the world through the lens of competition it stops the opportunity for unity with others. Comparison and competition turned into envy. Envy of others for what they had that I didn’t.
Here I am at age 11 enslaved by comparison, competition, and envy. Before I knew it 15 years of my life were lost in this bondage; livings in dissatisfaction of who I was because I was never going to look like “that.” I was “living out of the dirt I saw in my life instead of the blood of Jesus that washes me clean. ‘’ I was using my lack, insecurities, my pants size, a number on the scale to measure my worth. Pride also set in telling me “I can fix this.” Ashley, if you just workout more and eat less then you will be worthy. But it never had to do with a pant size or a number on the scale and it had everything to do with the condition of my heart. He didn’t want me to be fixed or changed, he wanted to make me new freeing me from the bondage of the world.
Jesus wants all of my heart not just the parts that are right and that I’m doing well in. Through submission, Jesus shows us what He wants to dig out of your life. I was living paralyzed to see my own unique gifts He has given me and even worse I couldn’t see other’s gifts because I only saw them as a threat. It’s crazy and almost backwards to compare gifts and even our identities because it’s like comparing two unlike things, neither of which belong to us to begin with, so actually instead of comparing and competing with others I was actually comparing and competing with the gifts and blessings God has given others. My pride was trying to heal something that wasn’t possible without the help of God.
2 Corinthians 12:9-11 tells us;
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
In my weakness you are strong
The enemy had attached parts of himself on me for over 15 years and the only way for renewal was allowing the Holy Spirit and the Word to combat this war. My freedom was paid at the cross. He doesn’t just want forgiveness for my life but He wants freedom from these things which includes walking in a new direction, repentance.
Colossians 3 tells us we are free and wants us to actively walk this out through repentance. I see so many of us including myself walking in a new direction, in a new identity that God has given us but we keep putting on the old self. I read an article, that said it’s like losing 100 pounds but we still are wearing the old clothes. (I love this analogy) WE ARENT THOSE SAME PEOPLE SO WHY DO WE KEEP PUTTING ON THOSE CLOTHES? I don’t know about you but 15 years of my life is long enough living this way. But even more than that I’m done trying to fix myself in my own strength. I’m no longer putting limits on my Heavenly Father and placing my inadequacies on Him. He can and will renew our hearts and minds if we let Him.
I’ve created a list of things I want to “take off” and “put on.” It’s time to stop wearing the old clothes and replace them with ones that fit. I am going to set my eyes on things above. Things that are eternal. Not fleeting beauty or fitting in with the next trend that is in. I am no longer a chameleon blending into my surroundings. God continues to remind me of my true identity. He reminds me of that little girl with just a diaper on and dirt all over her playing with her brothers and laughing and screaming uncontrollably in the backyard. Being completely free and pure of who He made me to be.
