It took me a very long time and a very large shot to my ego to learn that everything I was controlling I was ruining.
I controlled my days..by living straight out of my $30 color-coated planner, controlling how the day would be ahead of time, and doing everything in my power to not stray away from what I had planned and anticipated. I hated when something occurred that I did not anticipate.
I controlled my future… by constantly planning ahead and envisioning ahead..in my passions, my relationships, and even my prayers. I could not enjoy the beauty, simplicity, and potential in a current moment without making it more. I could not appreciate a moment without asserting my control on it by imagining its future and all angles of possibility that could be attached to it.
I controlled my joy… by avoiding situations and relationships that destroyed my sense of stability and control over my independence.
I controlled the growth of my character… by trying to stay in charge of situations.. by trying to win or having the last word. I damaged the relationship and my own character.
I was avoiding uncertainty in order to keep my sense of control in tact.. without realizing the whole time that my fear of losing control was causing me to lose so much more.
And in all of these areas of my life, through my controlling lifestyle habits I had destroyed all potential for love, growth, and true joy. I had also destroyed all potential for God to intervene in my life.
Not only was I playing it safe. I was also playing God.
I know the power of our world, and the ability it has over us when we are faced with difficulty and fear. I know that with age, life will get harder, and I will want stability and control in my life even more than I desire for it today. I will be less likely to make impulsive decisions without well-thought out planning. I will be less likely to enjoy the love and growth that spontaneity offers.
While I still can… I am choosing to embrace what I cannot control. I am choosing to throw myself right into the middle of everything that I will not be able to control, knowing God will work in me through my discomfort. Knowing that the best in life might come from it.
I chose to put my life on pause for a year and leave for the world race because I knew it would be 365 days that would destroy my favorite things: the areas of my life that I had complete control over.
-It would destroy my independence by living in community with others every single day.
–It would destroy all opportunities to avoid asking for help.. because God knows I was going to need it at times.
-It would destroy my way of life.. by immersing me into 11 different cultures that I couldn’t even control if I tried, because each day would be unknown and new.
“Sometimes to lose balance and control for love is part of living a balanced life”
It is safe to say not one planner will be brought with me at my departure. And I cannot wait to see all the growth that comes from it.
