I was crying.
No.
Balling.
The kind of crying that gives you a headache, a lump in the throat and makes your clothes look like you just walked through a torrential downpour.
My heart broke as I realized I desperately needed change and God was right there to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart.
But let me explain.
I hate new years.
When the end of December rolls around, I am reminded by the fact that in a way, I dread the end of the year for mainly two reasons. First, that I have no control over time and a whole year has just slipped through my grasp, and second, I can’t stand the idea of a New Years resolution.
Ah, resolutions.
Good things, honorable things, ridiculous things, impossible things.
The question that grapples my mind with these fair hopes for the coming year has always been one of, really…are you ready to do that for real?
I have this theory, it involves the small word ‘hype’. Looking at the New Year, I have found that one can see it coming and expect the need for change in one’s self based on the fact that it’s what we do as a society and the clock is ticking, so we need to find some way to better ourselves.
But isn’t it better to make a resolution any day of the year?
I hate New Years because I don’t want society’s pull to make a decision for me that I’m not ready to make yet and will therefore end up failing before I have a chance to succeed because I was never fully equipped to make that change in the first place.
I came across this concept at training camp for my missions trip.
We were challenge to change. Shed layers of hurt, fear, regret, forgiveness, etc. We were asked to pray and see what God was telling us to get rid of and change…our resolution.
The whole 10 days I was there, I was challenged, I prayed, I saw and experienced things new and different. And when I prayed for my resolution, for God to show me that thing I desperately needed to change…
God was silent.
It wasn’t until this week-almost a month later that God’s reason for this started to make a little sense to me. Although God was quiet about what he wanted to change in me, He was showing me something that week and it had a lot to do with hype.
God was moving at camp, He was changing lives at camp. My small perspective of God was challenged and changed at camp. But He also showed me that it’s not about the event; it’s about Him changing me from the inside out when I’m truly ready and open to Him doing something different.
So I was crying…
With God’s help, I became brutally aware of a pattern of lies I tell myself that will bounce around in my inescapably analytical head and cuts me deeply. My self-esteem can get so bad and it can make me defensive, nasty, feel worthless and defeated.
But God is bigger than that. He made me in His image and I can’t believe the lies thrown in my face to make me think otherwise.
God has brought me to this point at a time fitting for me to respond and make a change.
It’s a process and habit I have to learn to break.
A walk and experience with God I’m anxious to take.
Rely on Him, wait on Him, and hope in Him.
