This month has presented little opportunities for alone
time. Since I am living at Kadesh, the orphanage, my time is spent investing in
the boys 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. This has brought on a variety of
emotions, first an overwhelming feeling, followed by loving the fact that I
FINALLY get to invest in the same kids for the ENTIRE month and actually form
real and lasting relationships with them and finally, ending with frustration
that I can’t get a break or get any time to myself. In fact, as I am writing
this, two of the boys, David and Cisco are saying “HI” over and over until I
look at them…it’s amusing at this point. So, I’ve definitely been learning to
appreciate and seek out alone time. Which brings me to this morning…
There is a water tower on our compound with a latter to
climb up to the top. When you get to the top, you can almost see the city but
you can definitely see the palm trees that border the property (which is 10
acres) and the fields beyond the property where locals tend their gardens. It’s
a great place to have that needed alone time. It’s become the place for me to
go to when I need to process my thoughts or spend one on one time with someone
else. This morning was definitely a processing time.
I’ve been thinking, and actually worrying about a lot of
things this past week. I’ve been worried about going home to Lancaster County,
my small hometown and being completely lost and not belonging there. I’ve been
stressing about my friends. How am I going to be able to explain all the things
I’ve been going through, learning, seeing and experiencing? How are they even
going to be able to begin to understand? How am I going to be able to
understand them? How are they going to fill me in on the past year of their
lives? How have they changed? Will I have a job? Will I want a job? Will I be
happy? Will I date someone? Do I even want to date someone? Do I want to travel
again? How would I travel again? How will my friends accept me when I come back
completely different? Will people really care about what I’ve been doing with
my life for the past year or just “be happy for me” and brush it aside. You
name it, I’ve probably worried about it in this past week.
After a little bit of frustration, a lot of praying, a
little crying and a lot of processing with other people, I’ve come to the
realization that I just need to stop freaking worrying about everything! Hakuna
Matata! If I really, truly believe that God has my life planned out for me, in
my best interest, and will give me my desires of my heart, then what is there
for me to worry about? Why do I still feel like I need to have control over my
life? I just want to let it go.
I don’t want to be frustrated. I don’t want to be thinking
about home. I don’t want to be worrying about things that may not even be
plausible scenarios. I just don’t want to do it anymore. I want my focus to be
here…with the boys… in the orphanage…with Cisco, who I get to help work on his
writing skills everyday, with Lucas, who always needs to get beaten up by me
everyday, with Vlandie, who just wants to be loved constantly and always loves
me back, with Frankie who has been in and out of the orphanage several times
and just needs a constant friend who honestly cares about him, with Fernando,
who just loves to joke around with you, with Alberto who’s main desire is to
just graduate high school and save up what little money he has for a chance to
go to college to change the world, for Tito who wants to be a cop to fight all
of the gangsters in Mozambique and for Juan, who just needs an older sister to
pick on…for all of them. They need me and I need them. It’s going to be hard to
let go of my life but it’s the only way I think I can have peace for the next
four months. I can’t worry about the future anymore, at least not to a point to
where I am stressing over it. Hakuna Matata…
