It’s month 10… MONTH 10!! I am one month away from ending this crazy adventure called the World Race.
Picture from training camp before we left for Race.
THIS would be the opportunity to “fix� me.
See, when things have gotten hard in my life or when I’m feeling like I just don’t “measure upâ€� or that I could do better… my initial instinct would be to think “where can I run and “fixâ€� things and THEN come back and live life, perfectly.â€� I’ve always had this “fix-itâ€� mentality for everything in my life–grades, work, to-do lists, purpose, relationships, approval, appearance, personality, etc. So to think that a year away from everything, including my extra long to-do list that never ends, and everyone I know and love and spend 11 months traveling around the world with God and 42 other strangers… actually sounds ideal. I mean God’s the only companion I really would want on my run away trip anyway…and what harm can 42 strangers do? They don’t even know me… and that’s precisely the point.
One Big Happy Family.
you spent every second, of every day, in everything you do with at least 6 other people for 11 months… You share a bathroom, you sleep in the same bed, you eat the same meals, you have to work with eachother and love eachother even when you’re tired and you hate life and would much rather be alone. They see everything… every ugly, hurting, broken, joyful, loving, beautiful part of you. Then those 42 other people are no longer strangers but actually quite the opposite… and may even know you better than anyone else in your life up to this point.
awkward family photo with my first team and our squad leaders
So… month 10. I sit here. and over this past week, I’ve struggled, hard. I’ve been disappointed. I’ve been overwhelmed with my to-do list for when I get home and preparing for home. I’ve took out my mental list of the things I wanted to have “fixed� by this point so that I can go home perfect and in peace. But instead I’m finding that I may be even more broken than I was. But I’m also discovering, that may be what is needed.
See, when things have been “broken� in my life before, I’ve tried to fix it with quick temporary things that hold the pieces together alright but eventually start to wear down and fall apart again. It’s like a broken leg… if I just put an ace-bandage around it… but still walk on it and do what I want, sure it might start to feel a little better and eventually it might not hurt as bad… but that doesn’t mean it’s healed. If I took a x-ray it would still show it was broken, that it hadn’t been treated properly, that I actually might have done more damage to it than actually helping it. Then, a doctor has to rebreak it or you have to have surgery to put the bone back into place and put the leg back to what it’s supposed to be like. Then comes the cast…and the long recovery, strengthening, etc… the healing process just became a lot longer.
I’m struggling this month to really believe and see that that things we are doing here are effective because we don’t always see results or impacts. I’m struggling to really love my teammates well. I’m struggling with staying “present” in the here and now but also allowing myself to think ahead and be excited for where God’s bringing me next. I’m struggling with missing my family and my friends at home. I’m struggling with not “changing” fast enough in things I want different in my life. I’m frustrated that I’m still struggling with things I thought I was over and done with and forgiven.
But I know I’m in good hands.
So… if I come home a little more broken than usual, a little more “bare� or sensitive or vulnerable, a little different personality or look, a little more or less than what you expect…
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark”
~”Healing Begins” by Tenth Ave North.
