on this day one year ago i was camping in brasov, romania. we had just finished month two of our race and were the official newbies at the awakening. i was reading back through my journal from that time this morning. it feels like yesterday and an eternity ago all at the same time. i remember how inspired i felt when andrew spoke. i remember how alive i felt when we worshipped. i remember how i embraced the brokenness and the hard things that allison prayed over me. as i was flipping those pages this morning i came across something andrew had said that sounded like a good idea at the time.
“you must make a decision to not die in the wilderness.
you must be willing to do whatever it takes to get your inheritance and let christ be formed in you without negotiation.”
i cheered him on a year ago. “yes and amen” i’m sure i shouted as he did heel kicks in the air. it was exciting. it was new and radical. it was all of the things that make your heart beat fast and cause the blood in your veins to boil. it was something that was easy to buy into because i wasn’t smack dab in the middle of a wilderness.
well, now i am.
and this whole idea of making a decision and allowing christ to be formed in me without negotiation isn’t quite so appealing. it’s not quite so exciting and novel. because it hurts. and it costs me something. and i have to make hard decisions and choose difficult disciplines.
and sometimes i just don’t want to.
for most of my life i’ve felt like i was missing something. like there was something more but i didn’t know what it was or how to get to it. even on my race there was a part of me that was still lacking. we talk a lot about how people have this rumor of a whisper that there something more well, i’ve never heard a whisper. my rumor of something more has always been loud and obnoxious. you know that kind of in-your-face nagging that keeps you awake at night with unanswered questions and a spirit so restless you feel like you just might explode. yeah. that’s the kind of whisper i hear. and i have felt this way, to some extent, for as long as i can remember.
and i just don’t know what to do with all of it anymore. i feel like over the past year and a half the lord has really spoken to me about my different callings and passions. i feel like he’s defined, at least a little bit, what my destiny is supposed to look like. but i feel like i can’t get there. like he won’t release me into it. did you ever have those pull-back race cars when you were growing up? the kind where you pulled them backwards and then let go of them so they would roll. and the further back you pulled it the farther it would go once it was finally released.
that’s how i feel. just like those cars.
it’s like i know that when the lord finally lifts his hand it will be perfect timing and i will be able to go farther because i will have waited and built up more momentum. but until that happens, he’s just pulling me back. farther and farther away from where i am actually supposed to be. but it’s one of those things that i have a deep-resolve about because i know deep down that there is purpose in building my potential. there is purpose in pulling me back before i can be released.
but it’s hard. it’s really, really hard. especially when it feels like everyone around me has already been let go of.
i’ve been faced with a few disappointments this week. decisions that i know are for a reason and a purpose and a time were made, and what i wanted to happen in these circumstances just didn’t. i know it’s the lord pulling me back some more. i recognize that and accept it for what it is. give me a few more days and i will be able to move past just accepting it and i’ll be able to embrace it. i can see where it’s shaping my character and chipping away at all of the things in me that aren’t very christ-like. i see the good that will eventually come from it.
i know it’s just part of him being formed in me.
the truth is the lord probably cares more about me looking like jesus than i do. that’s the whole without negotiation part. it’s not really up for discussion anymore whether or not i get to be refined and formed. i gave up my control a long time ago. although, in moments like this it’s tempting as all get out to take it back again and do it my own way. it won’t accomplish anything. i’m being formed. without negotiation and without my preferences and desire to be comfortable taken into consideration. because he loves me. and he knows better, anyways.
anyways. i’m making a decision not to die here. here in this wilderness. because eventually he’ll release me. probably not in my timing. and probably not in the way i would have hoped or expected. but he’ll let go. and i’ll have more potential and momentum that i would if i jumped the gun now. and it will be painful and glorious and messy and confusing. and beautiful. it will be beautiful because it will be more of jesus and less of me.
so, basically, christ is being formed in me. whether i like it or not.
