in nineteen days i will board a plane in bangkok, thailand. the majority of my squad will accompany me to a three hour layover in taiwan before we finally land in los angeles. i’ll walk off of the plane into a twelve hour layover with some of my very favorite people. plans of cheesecake factory and yogurt land are in the works for our first evening back. and then at one in the morning i’ll board a flight that will begin my final trek to the homeland. i’ve had this scenario running through my head lately of actually being home. i get off the plane hug my family for the first time in nearly a year. we’ll grab my bags and journey home. there i’ll sit at the table with my grandma and enjoy a cup of coffee and the biggest piece of coconut cream pie ever. i’ll probably make exclamations about how much i enjoy the air conditioning. i might forget where the silverware is kept. i’ll be excited about the freshly stocked fridge and pantry. and then at some point the night will creep up and conversation will dwindle. i’ll be forced to haul my pack downstairs to an empty room with nothing but the stuff i left behind.
stacy won’t be waiting with open arms when i just need to cry. drea won’t be around to hug me. lindsay won’t be there to make me laugh or offer her wisdom whenever i need it. i’ll have to get ready for bed without the option of borrowing heather’s toothpaste or getting a late night show from birkleigh. paul won’t be bringing me snacks just because he was thinking of me. mike and denise won’t be around to laugh with. i won’t be able to waste time watching videos with tamica or looking through pictures with bethany. there won’t be any notes on my bed from daina and i won’t be seeing the infamous ashley weaver ‘i’m-so-excited-to-see-you’ face.
nope. all i will have is a big giant bed and the comfort of knowing they are all just a phone call away.
there are moments when i am excited to be alone, sure. and i am more than ready to return home to all of my friends and family. i cannot wait to hug my cousins, enjoy coffee with my grandparents, reminisce with my aunt mandy, and spend time with my mom. i am looking forward to meeting new baby wesley and dreaming again with friends i have missed terribly. i can’t wait for coffee dates, andy’s runs, and general summer fun.
it’s a bittersweet time, to be sure.
i’m grieving the community of friends i’m leaving behind. i’m processing the heartache and brokenness i have seen around the world. i’m trusting that the surrendering and growing i have done was real and that it will last. i’m wondering about what the future holds. i’m enthusiastic about the next step. i’m worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet. i’m in a place of learning to believe my jesus for everything. i’m tired. i’m excited about new adventures and opportunities. i’m still scared that i won’t measure up. i’m fighting insecurities. i am thankful for a community that is fighting beside me. i’m nervous about adjusting back into life as we know it. i’m believing the lord to use me as an agent of change in my generation that says no the status quo and yes to the kingdom. i feel stagnant and satisfied in many ways and yet more hungry and desperate than i have ever been.
and that’s the best way i know how to sum all of this stuff up. so, there you go.
