for one hundred and sixty four days my Chacos have been traipsing me around the world. i’ve been to twelve countries and have slept in more places than i care to recount. i’ve prayed for hundreds of people and shed innumerable tears of both sorrow and joy.
halfway, we are only halfway.
if i am completely honest i had expectations coming on this trip. as much as i tried to lay them down and give them up, i had an idea of what was ahead of me. i read the blogs, i thought i was well informed. i thought i knew what my ministry would look like. i thought i knew how my team would operated and i have pretty much pegged what things the lord was going to change in me, grow in me, and kill in me.
one hundred and sixty four days later i have no expectations left.
i have more questions than answers. i am less secure in what i have always known to be true than i have ever been. i feel more stagnant in my faith than i have in a long time. i mostly feel void of passion, compassion, dreams, and mercy. i have nothing of my own left to stand on or hide behind.
and i am exactly where God wants me.
i am smack dab in the middle of his plan and purpose for me. coming to the end of myself, secure only in his love and grace. until all of me is gone, jesus cannot be fully glorified in me. i have to lose myself to gain his heart. i have to die so that christ can live in me and through me. it’s what i’ve always asked for, so i am more than grateful to be where i am at. doing the deal in the middle of africa, seeking the face of a God i don’t understand but am desperate to know. learning how to live and love in this crazy, upside-down, nonsensical Kingdom where the last are first and the pauper gains a priesthood.
i have no idea what the next five and half months will hold. it’s better that way; it forces me to step out in faith. i cannot even think about what i want or how i want things to look because really all i want is jesus. all of him, all of the time. i want to be so over myself that i can only operate out of an overflow of him. i want to only be compelled by love. i want to bring kingdom. i want to step into the fullness of what he has for me.
in august i thought stepping into that fullness would be a one and done kind of thing. “i’m diving head first, full-force into all of this,” i thought. now, i would say i am slowly moving from the kids’ area to the parts of the pool where i can still touch. one day, when my jesus sees fit, i’ll be in the deep end.
but i am content, even joyful today. longing to fall more in love with my savior, being taken to places of desperation and abandonment; i am pressing on. grateful beyond grateful for what has been, but excited to see what else is ahead for the rest of this amazing adventure.
