i shouldn’t be here.

I
shouldn’t be here.

This
twenty-two year old Kansas girl should not be
sitting in the middle of Kenya
surrounded by teammates and a culture she is slowly falling in love with.

 

Thank
God for His grace and provision.

 

I’ve
been somewhat reflective lately [yeah, new and different].  We’re almost six months into this thing and I
just cannot seem to even figure out how I even got to where I am.  So I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I
haven’t come up with much.  I’ve made
some good decisions in my life, yes.  And
there have been some fantastic people who have helped me to get where I am
today and I would never diminish the role they have played or the influence
they have had.

 

But
mostly, I am where I am; I am who I am because the Lord is gracious and good.

 

For
a long time I questioned the Lord’s motives towards me. I always thought He was
out to get me, waiting around the corner for me to screw up.  I have always been incapable of seeing God as
a loving, gracious Father who loves me just as I am.  I thought I had to earn His love and so I
would do as many good things as I could, trying to keep Him happy, doing my
best to appease Him ad keep the peace. 

 

But,
my perspective is changing.

 

I
am beginning to see the Lord with new eyes. I’m beginning to see myself with
new eyes. I’m walking in grace, freedom, and love.  I believe God is mostly happy with me.  That He is proud of me and delights in me as
His daughter.  I’ve heard it a lot and
even said many times, “there is nothing I can do to make God love me any more
or any less.”  For the first time in my
life I believe that.  Some days it’s a
struggle and I have to actively choose it, but I believe it.   

 

But
I shouldn’t be where I am.

 

Coming
from the background I come from I should be another statistic.  I should be walking around in the bondage of
bitterness, anger and lust.  I should be
working some dead-end job to make ends meet. 
I should be walking around void of passion, motivation, talents, and
hope.

 

And
if it weren’t for Jesus, I would be.

 

I
remember growing up I would lie in my bed, crying myself to sleep as I tried to
drown out the yelling in the other room. 
The only words I was able to utter were “why me?”  I would cry out to the Lord “of all the
people in the world, God, why me?”

 

And
now, as I sit in a room barely big enough for four mattresses at the Sharamba
home in Kenya, a similar cry is resounding deep.  “Why me?”

 

I
cannot help but be completely overwhelmed with gratitude towards all the Lord
has done.  He has brought me to places of
freedom I never knew were possible.  He
has brought redemption to my life and the lives of my family in such a way that
is simply astounding.

 

Is
there still work to be done? 
Absolutely.  I have by no means
arrived, nor have I have attained all the Lord has for me.  But, I am being refined.  I am beginning to look more like my
Maker.  And it is in my weakness that His
strength is being made perfect.  I am
learning that grace cannot be earned. 
There are no contingencies when it comes to the Lord loving me and
approving me.  My debt was paid when
Jesus died for me.  And He came back for
me, to fight for me, so that I could live an abundant life.

 

I
am not defined by my past.  My identity
is not found in my failures or my accomplishments.  I cannot allow myself to stand on any of my
own strengths, gifts or talents.  Because
at the end of the day none of it is about me anyway.  It’s all about a risen Savior who for
whatever reason picked me, a one time bitter, confused, hurt little Kansas girl
to advance His Kingdom.  It’s about His
grace and mercy being extended to a hurt and dying world.  It’s about a plan that I don’t always
understand, but I am learning to have unwavering faith in.  It’s about God working all things together
for His good.

 

And
my “why me’s” of yesterday are helping to answer the “why me’s” of aching
African children today.

 

So,
maybe I shouldn’t be here.

But
I am.  And I can only thank God for it.