i’ve never been a fan of the process.
in the middle of God doing things in me, changing me; i’m usually not a very happy person. by nature, i fight what the Lord wants to do because let’s face it. being stretched just hurts. it doesn’t feel good to be uncomfortable. and as much as i know that in the end it will be good, i still hate the process.in ireland, i was going through a similar phase. just coming on the race i was in a time of transition and questioning. and while i knew the end result would be good and well worth the journey, i was fighting it. i can remember sitting in that room on my bottom bunk bed. i was talking about how much i just hate being stretched. how much it hurts and how i don’t know how to just be in the middle of it. lindsay, in all of her wisdom, looked at me and said, “you need to stop being so pissed off at the process.” hm…well, ok.
and so, i’ve been battling that since coleraine. embracing the journey i am on. good, bad, ugly, misunderstood. my job is not to question the Lord; his motives, his ways, or his timing. my job is take whatever he gives me and deal with it graciously, gently, and operating out of the belief that he is good. all of the time.
i’d be lying to you if i said that i have done a good job of embracing lately. with teams changing and the novelty of the race beginning to wear off, i’ve found myself smack dab in a process of changing, dying to myself, recognizing how truly in need of Him i am on a daily basis. i’m in the process of figuring out who i am. who i want to be. i’m in the process of learning how to be loved by Jesus without contingencies or condition. i’m learning how to love well, to have grace and patience even when it’s not my first reaction. i’m in the process of being refined so that i look more like Jesus. i’m in the process of abandoning everything; rights, expectations, and relationships. i’m in the process of figuring out what it is exactly that the lord wants from me.
basically i am in a lot of processes.
and as much as i want to embrace it and stand in complete confidence about who God is and how he is working i still hate it. i hate it because it doesn’t feel good. i’m dying to myself, recognizing all of my shortcomings and battling every day to be more like jesus. some days are better than others. some days i am patient, kind, loving, jesus-like. other days, well, not so much. and i hate that i am that way. the desire of my heart is serve him and reflect the love, grace, and mercy that he has shown me. most of the time i wish i could just be thrown into a microwave and nuked for forty-seven seconds. but, then i wouldn’t be cooked all the way through, would i? so, i find myself in this crock pot, this insane pressure cooker called the world race. because even though it doesn’t feel good right now, i know it’s for my good. i know it’s for the best. and the decision to keep being cooked is mine. it’s something i have to choose in to every day. some days, that decision isn’t so easy. but i’m here. and i’m doing the deal. because at the end of the day i just want more of Jesus. no matter how much it hurts.
i guess i’m in the process of learning how to embrace the process.
yep.
