Please read part one of this ‘preparing’ series. You can read ‘ready’ here.
“get set.”
These two words were all too familiar for me during high school when I was an avid cross country and track participant. Only seconds after these words were spoken a gun would go off, signaling the beginning of the race. While the gun won’t sound for another two and a half weeks, it’s time to get set. Something my coaches pounded into my head is that you always want to ‘get set’ with your best foot forward. Through a lot of training and practice I learned not to hesitate and take the natural step backwards at the beginning of a race. While it seems insignificant to some, weathered runners know that extra step backwards at the starting line can make a world of difference when dashing towards the ultimate goal.
All of that to say, I’m at the starting line and I’m trying to figure out what it is I need to do to ‘get set.’ I’ve been thinking about it a lot the past few days and I’m not really sure I have any answers. How do you set yourself up for the unknown? How can you really prepare for what you know will undoubtedly change you forever? Two days ago I would have told you I am ready for this deal. I would have told you I’m prepared, and while I know it’s going to be a hard year, I’m up for the challenge.
Until the other night.
A dear world race friend called me Wednesday evening. She was struggling with the idea of leaving everything behind; dying to herself so Christ can live. As she labored to express to me how she was feeling something started stirring inside of me. We talked for over an hour. She asked hard questions and I grappled for anything to comfort her in her brokenness. At one point she said she feels as if all she can offer the Lord is shards of glass but she longs to bring Him a beautiful work of colorful mosaic. 
What if the Lord sees those pieces of glass as the mosaic you so desperately want to present? Broken. She was broken. Broken before the Lord and broken before me.
And I realized in that moment how un-broken I am.
Listening to my sister cry and hearing the desperation for more of Jesus in her voice did something to me. I’ve prayed many prayers asking the Lord to break me. I often sing the song…”break my heart for what breaks Yours.” But, rarely have I been so desperate for a move of God that I’m completely beside myself. Without words and answers and rationalizations. That place where nothing makes sense and it’s all you can do to see the speck of light at the end. The place where compassion leads to weeping and injustice draws you to your knees. The place where you are so desperate for a move of God that nothing else matters. It doesn’t matter what is before you or behind you because you need God to show up. And you need Him to show up now. That place where you operate out of the Spirit and you are more concerned about the soul of the man on the street than anything else. The place when, even for just a little while, you have Holy Spirit tunnel vision and it breaks you. When love trumps theology and confidence in who Jesus is washes away the past. When the reality of salvation consumes your thoughts and motivates your action.
It’s not an easy, comfortable place to be. Sometimes, it just sucks.
Because being in the fire is never a calm, Disney World-esque experience
And as much as I love Disney World, I want to be there. Over and over again.
It’s a bold prayer to ask the Lord to take me to those places. The places that hurt, that are confusing and unknown. But, I’m daring to believe that what is on the other side is worth it. Because I’ve tasted the goodness that comes with the grueling.
And so I’m asking for a ruthless move of God that will disrupt my life and change the core of who I am and how I live my life.
So, as the beginning of this thing continues to creep up on me, this is how I’m setting myself up. I’m setting myself up for big moves of God. To go to the places I haven’t been before. I’m doing everything I know how to arrange myself now. Because I want to start with my best foot forward and I don’t want to step back when the race begins.
“I’m not there yet. It’s going to take some time. But, I’m not going to worry about the past. I’m putting it behind me, and starting over. I’m looking forward to everything new the Lord will do. I’m working hard and asking for the refining fire. It’s a process and it’s going to hurt. But, I’m striving for the life I’ve been called to. I’m making every effort to walk in everything I’m supposed to.
It’s what Jesus has called me to. And He’s worth it. Every single bit of it.”
[my paraphrase of Philippians 3:13-14]
