The Fight Inside
What I fear
What I try
The words I say and what I hide
All the pain
I want it to end
But I want it again
And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it’s raging
The fight inside is breaking me again
It’s still the same
Pursuing pain
Isn’t worth the light I’ve gained
We both know
How this will end
But I do it again
And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it’s raging
The fight inside is hurting me again
And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without you
The fight inside is breaking me again
It’s nothing
(It’s everything)
It’s nothing
(It’s everything)
It’s nothing
(It’s everything)
It’s nothing
It’s everything
And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it’s raging
The fight inside is hurting me again
And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without you
The fight inside is breaking me again
It’s breaking me
It’s breaking me
I’m falling apart
I’m falling apart
These
are the lyrics to the song “Fight Inside” by Red. This is how I’ve felt this past week. I’ve just returned from one of those
“mountaintop” experiences at my World Race training camp. There was a fire inside me, a burning passion
for God. In only a few days, though, I
feel like that fire has turned to ice. 
This
week has been spiritually cold.
Dry.
It
feels like there is a wall between me and God.
What’s
going on? Why do I feel this way?
I
don’t think there is a simple answer to these questions. First of all, I feel a bit out of my element
right now. I just spent ten days
surrendering everything to God and preparing myself for my year-long journey of
abandonment. I’m ready to go. My heart is already there. Now it seems impossible to return to “normal,
mundane” life again. It’s like stepping
from a spiritual oasis to a wasteland. I
am learning that it is easy to stand firm and strong when there are others
standing with you. But when you are
alone, the Enemy strikes. I feel alone
right now.
On
the heels of this feeling of loneliness comes a flood of temptations –
temptations to return to my old ways, habits, and mindsets. It would be easier that way. The old me is self-centered and concerned
about my own agenda and needs as opposed to the needs of others.
This
conflict is tearing me apart.
Inside,
there is still a flame that burns for God, but the darkness is right there
too. It follows me like my shadow. Paul was no stranger to the war raging within
each of us:
“I know that nothing good
lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it
out. For what I do is not the good I
want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do – this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is
no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
“So I find this law at work:
When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;
but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the
law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my
members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God – through Jesus Christ our Lord!”
– Rom. 7:18-25
Paul
knows the frustration and pain of battling sin. But I love how he ends with hope. The light of Christ pierces the darkness surrounding us and offers us a
lifeline. We must take hold and cling to
Him no matter how fierce the storm rages around us.
Jesus is my only hope. I am clinging to Him and trusting that He will give me the strength to fight.
