Below is a journal entry (and some current comments) of an
important day in my life.
September 5, 2009
H-squad recently had arrived to Viile Tecii, Romania only a
day earlier and we all are still getting acclimated to the quaint village. This
morning, most of BLING chose to visit one of the surrounding lakes in the
village for a refreshing swim. I chose to stay home and enjoy a little quiet
time with a good book, as I realize quiet time will come few and far between
this month with all 52 H squad members living on the same street. The day
seemed like it would be like any other day on the race…or so I thought.
Fast forward to the evening. Not only are all members of H
squad living on the same street, but there are 3 teams from other squads also
living on our street. Needless to say the Americans have invaded this little
village to do some work for the Kingdom. This evening the J squad invited our
squad over to their house for a time of worship around a bonfire, which we
gladly accepted. So Shannon, Liz, and myself went to the bonfire, while other
members of our team went to a church service in a neighboring village.
This is where the night gets interesting…so I arrived to the
bonfire ready to worship. As I walked up the pathway toward the fire, I turned
and felt something smack me in the eye. I wasn’t sure what hit me, as at that
moment I didn’t recall being close to anyone or any trees. Nevertheless, my eye
began watering and I had trouble opening it. Thankfully a few of my squad mates
checked on me and after about 10 minutes, I was able to open my eye, although
it was severely irritated. Thus, while everyone stood singing around the
bonfire, I sat in a chair letting their voices and the strumming of a lone guitar
wash over me. I felt a bit out of it, but didn’t think too much of it since I
just got wacked in the eye, unaware of the events that would soon unfold.
Worship continued on with each squad lifting up praises to
the Lord. During this time, a J squad member encouraged everyone to sing out
praises and show God our thankfulness. People from different sections of the
circle called out praises, prayers for Romania and words of adoration to the
Lord. During this time, Taryn spoke out (from what I remember correctly) that “we needed
to bind the spirit of rejection and that it had no place here.” I remember
thinking for a moment…hmmm, that’s random… everyone else is speaking out
praises and your speaking about binding things?? It was a short-lived thought,
forgotten completely within the next moment, and I again let the music wash
over me.
Praise and Worship around the bonfire carried on for another
half an hour or so when again someone spoke out for those feeling physically
ill to step out for prayer. Since I’ve had stomach problems since..let’s see…
Cambodia….and we’re in month 9 now and Cambodia was month 3, I thought what the
heck? I’d say I qualify, so I
walked into the middle of the circle with all the other sickies to receive
prayer. As folks surrounded us in prayer, Jen Myers turned to me and asked, do
you think it’s just physical with you or
also spiritual? I looked at her,
contemplated her comment for a second and answered, “I don’t know, I feel sort
of funny, but I sure hope not!” She replied, “Hmmm well, I think it may be spiritual too.” My shoulders sagged a little after her
comment, and I thought great, I wonder what that means?
After speaking with Jen Myers I turned to my left and saw
Terri praying quietly. I then watched her become over come with a joyful
laughter. Jen Den was behind me praying, smiled, and whispered to me, “Awe
that’s awesome…Terri is drunk in the spirit!” I thought to myself, yeah that is
pretty cool. I then turned towards the front again and began praying once
again. Now, I will try describe as best I can what happened next….While praying,
I felt the Holy Spirit come upon me and I remember bending over slightly,
raising my hands to the Lord, and saying Hallelujah over and over again. I then knelt on the ground,
overwhelmed by His Presence.
I remember kneeling on the ground, rocking slightly, tears
streaming down my face, and….then I began to yell/scream. I wasn’t screaming words, just simply
yelling/screaming. I heard myself screaming and I remember thinking, “I sound
like I am in soo much pain, this
is crazy to be yelling such a sad
and sorrowful cry”…but yet inside I felt fine. Well, I’m not sure if fine is
the right word to describe how I felt, but in no way did I feel any emotion or
pain to warrant the sound rising
from the depths of my throat. And to be honest, I don’t think I could have
stopped even if I wanted to. It felt right, even though I didn’t understand
what was going on. While this was
happening, I could hear and feel people around me laying hands on me, talking
to me, and praying for me. I wasn’t alone. I found out after wards that many
times I was told by different individuals to say the name of Jesus, however, every time I tried, I just could not get
His name out.
My time of crying, rocking, yelling/screaming out in pain
lasted for about 10 minutes.
Gradually, my rocking slowed, my breathing calmed and I
opened my watery eyes to a loving group of people around me. I looked at them
and said…”Yeah I don’t know what just happened. I know it was crazy, but I
couldn’t stop. Honestly, I’m at a loss for words.” As I was speaking, Jen Den
warmly rubbed my back and then replied that she believed the Lord was trying to
free me from something. I looked at her with questioning eyes wondering what it
could be. She told me to keep praying and seek the Lord on what He’s
trying to do. Still pretty unsure, I shook my head in agreement that I needed
to seek out the Lord.
During my little episode, the focus had definitely been on
me for a little bit, but the worship leaders took control and played one last
song to close out our eventful night of worship. As the closing prayer was
spoken before ending the night, I stood arm in arm with Jenni Weir as I was
still wobbly from my experience. While the worship leader prayed out loud, I
also prayed quietly to myself, asking, “Ok God, what is it Your trying to do?
What do You want to heal me of? I stood their praying for a few moments and the
words “spirit of rejection” flashed across my mind.
Now, before I go on I will give a little background of my
struggle with the spirit of rejection. This is something I have struggled with
my entire life. I have felt a fear of rejection coupled with secretly feeling
completely inadequate about most things since I can remember having concrete
thoughts. This fear of being rejected was fueled by the idea
that being rejected would mean there actually was a reason to reject me…and this then would
prove what I feared most to be true. That I was inadequate, unworthy, and
simply did not measure up. Even as I write
this I realize how ridiculous it sounds, but please understand I fought against
these thoughts my entire life. I will say it is not because of upbringing. I
have very supportive and loving parents who have encouraged and edified me
throughout my entire life. I believe in generational curses and sins, and I
believe I have carried things that who knows how far down the generational line
began, but I do know it was never meant for me to carry. This fear of mine bled
into every part of my life: my personality, my communication skills,
vulnerability, my drive and initiative, you name it…it was affected. I’ve
always felt the need to prove my worth and to make sure people knew that Ashley
Harris does have something to bring to the table. Now when I say all of this, it doesn’t mean I led a sad,
sad life and was a person who had no confidence (especially in the Lord), but I
did portray a false confidence and I
always feared people would soon discover my facade.
I believe the past few years before the World Race, the Lord
has been preparing me for this day. I first started realizing that maybe the
feeling and thoughts I had weren’t normal and I wasn’t supposed to have them. I
then started putting a name to my issues. I believe there is power in calling
out by name the strongholds in your life. Put a name to something and then you
know how to start praying. And with prayer…well there is Power.
While on the World Race the Lord has also continued to prepare me
for this day. For one, I am on an all female team where I have no excuse or room
not to be real with everyone. Then four months into the year I was chosen as
the next leader of my team, and honestly, it’s not because I’m the best one for the
job. Yes I’ve been in leadership positions before and led very well, but this
time was a bit different. I had to face all my issues and insecurities head on
in this position, and lucky for me they were stronger and more overwhelming
than I have ever felt in my entire life. At the beginning of being the leader
of my team, I walked in the lies…that I was inadequate and that my team would
reject me if I made the wrong decision, and thus I led inadequately and in
constant fear of being rejected. Which may I add, I have an awesome and very
supportive team, so there was no reason for me to feel this way. Nevertheless,
when I made the decision to fight the lies, I was able to walk in Truth. It
wasn’t always easy, and some days, I faltered, but I spoke the Truth to myself
even when I felt anything but the opposite.
Fast forward back to Saturday night, September 5th.
I’m still standing arm and arm with Jenni Weir praying to
God when the words “spirit of rejection” cross my mind. I don’t know how else
to say what happened next, but in that very moment I knew I was free. I didn’t necessarily feel any sort of release
or something leave me, but I knew.
And with freedom comes joy 🙂.
I began crying, speaking in tongues, and rejoicing in the Lord. I felt
completely surrounded and overwhelmed by Him, completely loved by Him, and I
wept in how good He is. He loved me enough to free me from this burden! The
Lord spoke to me that night, not in words necessarily, but in a warm embrace of
love. I’m not sure how to explain it, but the Lord can speak to us without
using words, just simply by surrounding us in His Presence. I don’t know how
best to express my experience other than to say I felt complete freedom, love,
acceptance, joy, and peace…and man was it glorious!!!! Our God is worthy to be
praised!!! I remember raising my hands, pumping my fists, and yelling out
YES!!!! The best part is that the people around me then surrounded me and
rejoiced with me! And, did I mention that I then got on my soapbox and started
preaching to those around me? The main message I felt a need to drive home to
everyone was to never forget that our Lord is Sovereign and He has not forsaken us. Lol, to say the least I
was pretty fired up.
Looking back on that day, I at first wondered, “why couldn’t
He have delivered me earlier in my life?” I know God does everything in His own
timing, but still…why? I realized, quite frankly I wasn’t ready. I’ve seen and
heard of people who have been delivered from things and then days, months,
maybe even years after wards they are still walking in lies believing they were
never delivered in the first place. You can be delivered of something but you
still have to walk it out! I have an understanding that just because the Lord
delivered me from the spirit of rejection doesn’t mean that I will never feel
rejected or inadequate in my life again. It simply means that I don’t have to be overcome by it. There is such ViCtOrY in that statement! I
now know and understand my true identity in Christ, and let me just say it
feels pretty darn good.
Now, people get delivered from things everyday and how that
looks is different for each person. I just ended up being the girl that probably
looked like I was demon possessed screaming my head off, and yet having a
glorious ending…. or beginning should I say, in the Lord. It still hits me from time to time and
I think, “I can’t believe I’m free!” The verse in John that says “the truth
shall set you free” could never ring more true. If you are struggling with
something, I encourage you, keep fighting, and speaking out His Truth against
the lies of the enemy. He has not forgotten you.
Oh and P.S. apparently, the home where the bonfire took
place, got fined with a nOiSe ordinance and they were banned from having any
more bonfires. Sad, because I’m pretty sure I had something to do with that,
but hey if you’re going to get fined for something, why not for something like
an authentic all-out delivery session with the Lord? I know it’s worth it 🙂.
