They don’t prepare you for this when you first become a Christian. No one tells you you’re choosing the most difficult way to live imaginable. There’s no one there to warn you that this is going to stretch you, and pull you, and push you in ways you cannot fathom.
No one tells you how hard being a Christian is. Except for Jesus.
“Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” (Matthew 5:10-12)
But what do you do when the persecution is coming at you… from you? When you’re the one reviling yourself? When you’re the one uttering all kinds of evil against yourself?
You see, lately, I’ve been trying to work to earn God’s grace, love, and mercy. I’ve been getting up each morning, dutifully, to read scripture. I’ve been listening to sermon after sermon after sermon. I’ve given away my time, my resources, and my heart. They started as great things. Reading in the morning to connect with my Father. Listening to teachings to help me learn more and more about my Jesus. Giving of myself freely because my God gives so freely to me.
What began as a form of worship became my idol. Works became my idol. The very things that tore my heart to shreds in the past, before I knew Jesus, were the very things I blindly ran to.
(Please hear me say this though: reading scripture, listening to sermons, and giving freely of yourselves are not bad actions. They are absolutely wonderful! They should point us to our Creator and Father. But, when they become the end-all instead of the fuel to our fire, our hearts need to be reevaluated.)
Once I realized that Works had become my idol, I ran. And things proceeded to spiral from there. You see, you can’t run from your junk. It’ll always catch up to you. You have to face that crap and fight. If your baggage is a lion, then Jesus teaches you how to become a lion-tamer. To quote a wonderful Texan pastor I’ve been listening to lately (Matt Chandler), sometimes you have to take the lion into the street and shoot it in the head. (Sorry for the…) You know what, no. I’m not sorry for that kind of description. That’s what my idol deserves: to be completely demolished.
This idol has been a sort of spiritual cancer to my heart and soul; twisting and wrapping its disgusting tentacles into the cracks and crevices still left in my healing heart. And I’ve had enough of it. I’m waging war on this monster.
“Then certain of the elders of Israel came to me and sat before me. And the word of the Lord came to me: ‘Son of man, these men have taken their idols into their hearts, and set the stumbling block of their iniquity before their faces. Should I indeed let myself be consulted by them? Therefore speak to them and say to them, Thus says the Lord God: Any one of the house of Israel who takes his idols into his heart and sets the stumbling block of his iniquity before his face, and yet comes to the prophet, I the Lord will answer him as he comes with the multitude of his idols, that I may lay hold of the hearts of the house of Israel, who are all estranged from me through their idols. Therefore say to the house of Israel, Thus says the Lord God: Repent and turn away from your idols, and turn away your faces from all your abominations.’” (Ezekiel 14:1-6)
I absolutely adore this part of scripture. The elders of Israel keep coming to God, asking for a word of hope and salvation from their captivity. Instead, God cuts straight to the heart and addresses the real problem: the barrier that their idolatry has created between them and their Father. Abba invites his children near so he can captivate them all over again and restore their relationship. If you’ve set up some boundary between you and God, he’s going to go WWE on that wall and rescue your heart. Your relationship with him means that much to him. He will fight for you. He will pursue you. And then, he invites you to fight alongside him.
Before I knew my Father, I tried so hard to be the perfect Christian. I failed again and again and again. When I failed, I reprimanded myself for not being perfect, for not getting it right. I believed that if I cleaned myself up, I might be just worthy enough to come to Jesus’ feet and beg for his love like a beggar for a piece of bread.
That is not what his grace and love are like. They are showers of mercy and goodness and favor and joy and peace, lavished on us. It’s like walking into the royal treasury of the greatest empire of all time and being told it is all for the taking, all to be completely and abundantly enjoyed.
There are times that I still have difficulty accepting that I am fully and wholly loved. There are places of my heart that feel too far for his grace to reach. In those moments, I find myself reverting back to my old sin habits; I try to clean myself up before I dare walk into the throne room and ask the King of kings for my crumb of bread. And he has to call me out on it. I am his daughter… not a slave. I am his little girl… not a beggar. I am family, and family feasts at the table.
And so the story comes full circle. I start to beat myself up by telling myself that I’m not perfect enough to ask my Father for more love, let alone a slice of bread. Then I try harder to do all the right things so I will feel worthy to come into his presence. All I want is to hear his voice tell me that I’m already enough and that he loves me, but all I hear is static. I fall into a downward spiral until…
It snows. And as I stand on my front porch enjoying its beauty, I hear him say, “Your sins are as white as snow.” Then I feel him tug at my heart, asking me to sit and write out what I’m feeling. He reminds me of all of the good things I learned while reading and listening and giving. He reveals my idol, takes a swing at it, then hands the sledgehammer over to me and invites me to take all of the frustration I’ve felt out on my idol and pummel it to the ground.
Abba is the initiator. Again and again he pursues me. Again and again he teaches me that I am fully loved. Again and again I fall madly in love with him in return.
