Sometimes Christ calls us to be real, honest, and vulnerable. Sometimes He calls us to share the deepest things of our heart to shed light on them. To draw them out of a place of darkness and into visibility.
Sometimes when you step outside your element you step into a place of discomfort, insecurity, and loneliness. Things that you once believed about yourself disappear and feelings of “who am I” sneak in. I pray that the Lord guides your heart as you read through a journey I am currently walking through.
Two days ago I experienced the most intense spiritual warfare attack of my life. Around 8pm, the night before, I had a really intense conversation with one of my teammates; drawing anxious feelings out of her and praying boldly over her life – and as I drifted off to sleep, she laid heavy on my heart. I woke up numerous times to check and make sure all my teammates were still in the room, sleeping peacefully.
I awoke the next morning in a state of confusion and with little sleep. I had missed my alarm, the anxiety heightened. One of my teammates was no longer in the room, and I couldn’t find her anywhere. I sat on my bunk, face flat before the Lord, I begged Him to overwhelm my heart with joy and peace. I went about my normal routine – did my devo, went to breakfast, and began working on the video I was preparing for Children’s Garden. The anxious feelings intensified. I felt like I couldn’t sit still. My spirit wasn’t at peace anywhere. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t focus. The video wasn’t coming together. Time was ticking and I had to be somewhere at 4pm. I needed to be done with the video and mentally prepared for ministry. The rain came, and our time to leave got pushed back.
I reached a moment of despair. My skin became clammy, my heart began racing, and I felt hot with fever. I ran to my team and told them about my state of being. I cried and expressed my anxious feelings to them. They prayed over me and cast out whatever was coming over me in Jesus name. I expressed my desire to push through it and they challenged me to rest in it.
I stayed back from ministry. Instead of simply resting before the Lord and seeking His face in what was going on in my life, I put my bizzzznas pants on and recreated the whole video I was working with on a different computer. In the moment, I felt like this is what needed to get done. I felt like the words that I needed to process through didn’t exist right then anyway, so the least I could do was be productive.
Now, two days after this whole ordeal – I’m finally at a place of reflection. I started to think back to those moments of trying to finish the video during the first run through..sitting on the patio struggling to focus. One of my squad mates was in the room. She was listening to music quietly, and one song that she was listening to stuck out to me. In the moment I thought “I should buy this song”. I didn’t think about it anymore until I found myself crying before my team hours later. Before they left for ministry I told them about the song and how heavy it was upon my heart. The problem was that I couldn’t remember anything about it. I didn’t know the name or even any words. I remembered that there was a guy and a girl singing and I said “everything is backwards, like it’s opposite”. With that horrible description, they were left clueless. My squad mate that had been listening to it had deleted the play list, so we couldn’t run through the songs to refresh my memory. She came into my room and pulled a number of songs up on my laptop to listen to. None of them were the song. I jokingly said, “God will put the words in my mind when I need them most”.
Well, He did.
“You won't relent
Until You have it all
My heart is Yours
I'll set You as a seal upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
And many waters cannot quench this love
Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one”
Earlier today I was talking to two other squad leaders. I was speaking out of an area of stress and anxiety. Feelings of inadequacy and confusion filled my mind. They spoke truth and encouragement into my life. And as I left the room, I told them that I needed to pray. As I journeyed up the stairs, I started singing this song – over and over again. And over and over again. I kept singing it like I had just heard it on the radio. After 15 minutes of singing, it hit me. This was THE song I couldn’t remember. “Ohhh Jesus,” I cried out, “I get it”.
This morning my team and I met together to fulfill one of our preset culture goals. We processed through lies that we’re believing about ourselves and wrote them down. Then, we switched papers and countered those lies with truth from the bible. It was a very powerful time for me. I felt like I was shooting Satan in the face every time I wrote a truth down. I then had my teammates sit one by one in a chair, put their feet up on a chair, and the truths that had been written down were prayed over them, I wrote words of truth that the Lord was speaking to me on the bottoms of their feet. I wanted them to “walk in truth”, physically and spiritually for the rest of the day.
The most powerful moment of this activity was when I took the seat. I sat in the same chair that every other girl had sat in on my team. I propped my feet up on the chair and witnessed the Holy Spirit fill my body. As my teammates prayed truth over me, they took turns writing words of truth on my feet. And as they prayed, light filled the darkness.
Today, I am walking in truth. As the days progress and this marker slowly fades, the reality of it never will. As the truth sinks in, burdens fall off in the name of Jesus. I don’t have to perform or “be” anything, what I am is acceptable in Christ’s eyes. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). I AM pleasing to the Lord. He desires my deepest and innermost parts. And He demands all of me. I do not walk in fear. I am not perfect. I am not alone. I am not insecure. I am not anxious, in Jesus name. I am in need of grace. I am walking in truth. I am walking through surrender.
“Who am I?” you may ask. My name is Ashley Edwards. I am a sinful wretch saved by the blood of Jesus Christ who hung on a cross, bled, died, and was resurrected. He died for everything I can’t. I am a beloved daughter of the King, whom chooses me despite my weaknesses. He calls me by name. He carries my burdens and He loves me the same. I’ve “set Him as a seal upon my heart, upon my arm, for there is love as strong as death, jealousy demanding as the grave. Many waters cannot quench this love”. If you want to get to know me, you should get to know Jesus.
I’m sharing this story with you because it’s real. Jesus has changed my life. “He won’t relent until He has it all”. When we allow things of this world to become our focuses in life, Christ comes in and wrecks shop. That's what happened to me two nights ago. I allowed the worries of this world to take precedence in my life. Does Christ have all of you? Who are you?
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PS. Next month our squad will be heading into a closed country. I won't have internet or any communication with the outside world for the protection for our contacts. Please do not post any comments about where we are on facebook or on our blogs for saftey. Please be praying for protection and for that the gospel can be shared and dispel the darkness!
