It snowed last night. Who knew? i'm so ready for spring weather :]
Today's a good day. Yesterday was a good day. This week has been awesome, praise Jesus. I love reflecting on weeks and seeing how God has worked in my life. This past week in particular was such a blessing.
Many of my quiet times this past week have been focused on distractions and how slowly they can become detrimental to our walks with the Lord. This past Tuesday was such a spiritually challenging day. I started the day off in discipleship with two of my favorite girls ever. We talked about the Word (the bible) and how it's set up, books of the bible, overview of the sections in the bible, etc. It was a very informative dship, but sometimes those are just what we need. I knew going into that dship that my mind was cluttered, and that focusing might be hard. I couldn't stop thinking about myself and what was going on in my life. I was distracted. I prayed for focus on my walk there and before we started, but my heart was still adrift.
Finally, I just poured out everything that I was feeling inside to these girls. As soon as I did I felt intense shame and guilt. I was supposed to be "leading" them, "pouring" into them, and here I was a wreck focusing on my own self. After dship was over, one of the girls left and the other stayed to work on some stuff before class. I decided to stay with her, and yet again, the word vomit from my mouth began to flow. In that moment I knew that I needed Jesus. I apologized for how I was acting, and immediately started to pray.
I knew that Jesus was the only one who could comfort me in that moment. I knew that God has given us people and relationships for a reason, but we can't expect those people to always have all the answers. I can't expect those girls to fill me, and say exactly what I need to hear to feel "fixed" in those moments of insecurity. I needed to learn about grace. I needed to learn about expectations, and how mine are too high. I needed Jesus.
I started reading in my devotional book, "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. As soon as I started reading I felt the holy spirit speaking straight to my heart. Everything I was reading was so applicable to the situation that I was in. Chambers says, "we must learn to maintain the secret of the burning heart – a heart that can go through anything. It is the simple, dreary day, with its commonplace duties and people that smothers the burning heart – unless we learn the secret of abiding in Jesus". wow. My eyes were full of tears and my heart full of joy. I began praising God yet again for His faithfulness. Even in my moments of doubt or insecurity or distracted state, the Lord is still there, and He's still providing. He's still watching out for me. Loving me and caring for my deepest needs.
The next thing that Chambers said humbled me to the utmost, "the only test we should use to determine whether or not to allow a particular emotion to run its course in our lives is to examine what the final outcome of that emotion will be".
I am sinful and I am flawed. I am broken and battered, and I need Jesus more than anything this world has to offer. I am imperfect and in so much need of grace and forgiveness. My sin was distracting me in that moment. It was causing me to focus on myself rather than on the beauty of Jesus. He had created another day for ME to be alive. Not only that, but He had saved ME. He took my sin and my shame and bore it on the cross so that I wouldn't have to. He's always interceding for ME before God. Instead of focusing on myself in that moment, I should have been focusing on the beauty of the gospel. Those emotions that I was feeling were not glorifying to God and the final outcome of those emotions would have been nothing shy of more distraction.
Thanks Jesus for your grace and forgiveness :] I wanna yearn for you and not for a perfected state of being.
"we cannot kindle when we will
the fire which in the heart resides,
the spirit bloweth and is still,
in mystery our soul abides;
but tasks in hours of insight willed
can be through hours of gloom fulfilled"
