I have never considered myself to be one who needs to come out of their shell. At home, I am bubbly and upbeat; social and talkative; very much an extrovert. Being on the world has taught me that not only do I need to step out of my comfort zone, but I also need to come out of my shell.
Before we arrived at our ministry location, we had our four month debrief in Bucharest. For five days, we had a great time of fellowship, teaching and worship. Two of the members of the AIM staff came to teach and meet with each team. During the times of teaching and worship, we were encouraged to step out of the prisons that we may be in (comparison, regret, bitterness, excuses, withdrawal, etc.) and into a place of healing and freedom. Being caged in these prisons, we are held back and hindering ourselves from all that God has for us and our ability to pour ourselves into others.
When we first arrived in Quito, Ecuador, each team met with the field support staff. During my time with the AIM staff, one of the ladies looked directly at me and said, “Ashley, you need to learn trust people.” Huh? I do trust people, sometimes a little too much. That one statement completely blew me away. Not only did I not see it coming, I had no idea what she was talking about. For the first 2 ½ months, I continually pondered what she said, trying to understand what she meant. It wasn’t until the end of our third month, in Bolivia, that I finally understood it.
While I may trust people in certain things, I’ve never completely trusted people with who I am, my personality, the entire package. I can say that I trust my parents and grandparents; they do know me best, and my closest friends. But for others, I hold back some things, things I’d rather not share for fear of rejection and judgment; feeling that they’d either take it or leave. And that’s exactly what kept me shelled up for the first three months and on into the fourth month. I truly wanted to trust people on my squad and my team, but fear, rejection, judgment and all of the ugliness that goes along with those, kept me inside. Or I should really say that I ALLOWED them to keep me in my shell.
Come the end of Bolivia, I was dying to get out. I wanted to get out. But because I allowed myself to be holed in, I wasn’t sure how they would take it. We had had team changes at the end of Bolivia. I stayed with three members from my old team and two new people were added to my new team. Being with some of my original teammates made it even harder. And then our four month debrief came. I had had enough and decided that it was now or never. Then before our team debrief, I finally opened up. I shared my frustrations, what held me back from showing others who I really am, allowing others in, the whole nine yards. And boy did it feel good! I was still unsure about it afterwards, but I’m glad I did it.
The hard part for me now, is continuing to open up. There are still things that hold me back and slowly I’m sharing them. And along with opening up, I need remind myself that my team is a safe haven. They are there to encourage me, pray for me, help me in my times of need, laugh with me and cry with me. This is true for others as well. You are my brothers and sisters in Christ. I can’t properly love you if I don’t trust you with who I am.
This has been a very hard lesson for me to learn. It’s not something I’d like to admit and it’s not something I even realized. God often uses others to show us what we need to learn, and that’s exactly what he did with me. It was wonderful, frightening and relieving.
