NO expectations.
Ministry has been difficult for me lately. And not in the ways I was expecting it to be. My health has been troubling me lately to where I have to take days off and sit out, which I am not used to. I was expecting my race to be full of hard work and time spent not thinking about myself.
However, World Race culture requires expectations to be completely surrendered and left at the door. I didn’t think that these expectations were unhealthy and I didn’t even realize that I had expectations. I actually thought I had the whole” letting go of expectations” thing down because I have traveled before and I know “how things work”. God quickly showed me that even if I might know “how things work”, I have no idea how He works things.
My health was a huge hindrance to me going on the race. I argued with God for months before I could finally accept His words of “I will take care of you”. He worked out my health issues to where I could cope by being gluten-free so I finally accepted in my heart that I could do this. I was so grateful that my health started to get better… and now I’m here. In Africa. And even though I’ve been able to find gluten free food and be disciplined enough to never cave for a cupcake or just a slice of bread, it’s gotten worse.
That is where my need to leave expectations comes in. I had this mindset that the World Race was all about going all out to serve others around the world. I had expectations of always being able to work and serve others and for once, not be focused on myself so much. However, lately with my health I feel that my mind has been consumed with thoughts centered on myself; what should I eat, am I even going to have gluten-free food, and what medicine should I take. And I hate the fact that I have already had to miss out on days of ministry because I’m not feeling well.
Broken.
I’ve been pretty miserable, but I haven’t been able to determine if it’s actually from my health or more so the mental torture that comes with it. Struggling with every thought from not being worthy of being here to being a burden, it’s been extremely hard to see that God has use for me here. But God works in mysterious ways, really. He uses things like this to bring us to our knees. To make us see how much we need Him. To keep us dependent on Him, close to Him. To break us of our own strength.
Another thing God has showed me lately is that He gave me the spiritual gift of service. So the combination of the realization of my potential impact, while also feeling unable to live up to that, and having to let go of what I thought was healthy expectations has led me to only one place… brokenness.
God has big plans for my team. Our team name, RedeemIng DUST, displays how we are Desiring Unity, Service, and Transformation. And unity in a team is built upon building each other up as well as holding each other up. God might have me crippled right now, but He has provided a huge support team for me to be able to be weak with.
With Everything.
One of the songs that God used to speak to me about going on the World Race a year ago was Hillsong United’s With Everything. It is a powerful song with simple lyrics, but God just put on my heart that I need to follow Him with everything; all my plans for the future, all of my worries, all of my desires. Even then, I knew this was a risky agreement because I couldn’t say “ok God, if I go, then I know you will heal me”. I knew I would be going and serving Him while dealing with my health issues in foreign countries.
Now that I am here and my health has gotten worse since I left, I’m still saying that I’m going With Everything. Even though I’ve been tested through trials, and will continue to be, I am going to continue on in perseverance with Christ. Some things might be more difficult to deal with in other countries, but God has given me little graces along the way. I was really struggling at first because I wasn’t seeing these gifts of peace, but now I’m choosing to. I’m choosing to see the things I am grateful for, even when I feel terrible physically. I’m choosing to serve others, even when I would rather lie down all day. I’m choosing to love my God with everything I am and everything that my current circumstances hold me to.
“Let hope rise and darkness tremble in your holy light.
With everything, with everything, we will shout for Your glory.
… For you my king with everything…”
-Hillsong United
