Relationships are messy. This is an inevitable truth. When two complex, unpredictable beings strive to align their lives in the context of relationship, friction is bound to occur. I have never lived in relationship with another human being where conflict did not arise. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing; it’s just reality. It is proof that the relationship is real and honest.
This month in Mozambique, I forgot that walking in relationship with a mysterious God can also be messy. I like to keep that part of my life tidy, organized, predictable… I suppose that is why I was in for a rude awakening.
One of the things I have been most stoked about for my Race is developing intimacy with Jesus; truly walking closely with Him, knowing His voice, hearing His voice, and living into that constant communion with my best friend. I spent a lot of this past month eagerly asking God to speak, attempting to pray boldly and watching expectantly for His power to erupt.
I prayed and prayed and prayed. I listened. I waited.
Cue cricket sounds.
Allow me to give you a glimpse into how my relationship with God played out this first month on the Race:
“Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am languishing; heal me, O Lord, for my bones are troubled. My soul is also greatly troubled. But you, O Lord – how long?”
“Why, O Lord, do you stand far away? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?”
“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?”
As I sit here by Lake Malawi on our squad debrief, taking inventory of my soul after month one, these are the verses that my heart resonates with. Let me assure you: I wish I did not feel this way. I wish I could gush to you about God’s goodness and how my faith has never been stronger; how I am tickled to be on the Race. I am confident that such a blog post is on the horizon for me. But not today.
Today, I am in a fight with God.
It’s a hard truth: following Jesus in this life rarely guarantees that the path will be paved. And even more true, traveling the world as an interim missionary does not guarantee smooth sailing with God either. He sometimes chooses to go off the beaten path on purpose, and you must follow blindly.
I never imagined that God would actually be quiet just as I was most ready for Him to unleash His power, talk my ear off, and blow my mind with miracles.
It was disappointing. Confusing. Frustrating. Hurtful.
I am sitting in the bush of Africa, completely isolated from all comfort, and the only person I can depend on in my deep need seems to have taken a vacation.
I tried to subdue my anger all month. I counseled myself about God’s goodness and faithfulness in order to squelch my rising indignance. I told myself it must be my fault He wasn’t showing up, not God’s, for He is the perfect One.
But none of that was helpful. It discredited my feelings. It made me dishonest before God.
My squad mentor, Beka, encouraged me that being able to openly fight with God is not blasphemous or unrighteous… It is actually an opportunity for greater intimacy. He can handle it. You only really fight with people who are worth persevering through conflict for; who you feel safe enough to be vulnerable with in your hurt.
I never imagined that God would use a fight with Him to draw me into deeper relationship.
I can’t tie a bow on this blog post, because I am still processing the way this month unfolded. I don’t completely get it yet.
However, yesterday I do believe God started opening my eyes to some behind-the-scenes work He is doing in my heart….
Through all of this, my sense of desperation, of visceral dependence, of blatant desire for God, was re-awakened for the first time in years. The more that I sought God and was met with silence, the more eager I became for Him to move, to speak. I sense that He is calling an unmatchable hunger for Him alone out of my heart.
I can’t imagine that I would yearn as badly for God as I am right now if He had shown up every time I snapped my fingers, as if He is some kind of genie. No, He is a mysterious, unpredictable being who I am exploring in relationship.
“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you O God” (Psalm 42:1). I am beginning to see the beauty of the barren land God has allowed me to walk through this past month. I am becoming that deer who is crazed for water, whose soul literally pants for God. I want more.
What about you? Are you hungry for God, to the point that your heart has hunger pangs for Him? Or are you content snacking on Him a little at a time?
