Did you know that God actually hears our prayers? Did you know that He actually does fill us with His Spirit, He does bind up the broken-hearted, and that He IS speaking to us?
I had forgotten.
But, at Training Camp the past two weeks, God did some major gardening in my heart. He tilled soil, gently removed some deeply rooted weeds, nurtured seeds, pruned, and watered. He cultivated new life, while clipping off rotting fruit and uprooting unhealthy foundations.
Over the course of the 10 days I was in Gainsville, Georgia for Training Camp, I was forced to stare some past hurts directly in the face – hurts I had locked away in a safe and stored far out of sight and out of mind. After each of our various sessions, I was encouraged to bring this safe out into the open; to be vulnerable, to share the deepest parts of my heart with complete strangers.
By day 7, I was frustrated. I felt distant from God. Wasn’t Training Camp supposed to be the place where God reveals Himself in unbelievable ways, where I would experience Him like never before? Everyone around me seemed to be having such an experience.
But after a week, I found myself asking God two questions: Hello? God?
To make matters worse, I was suddenly feeling incredibly insecure. I realized that I was struggling with comparison and feelings of inadequacy. If all of these insecurities dwelt in my heart, why were they just now manifesting themselves?
It took me days to realize it, but God was subtly speaking (not in the way I had asked for, but He was still speaking). He was showing me that for years and years, I have hidden real insecurities behind my pride. It’s been easy to conceal my insecurities behind the leadership roles I’ve had, or the things that I can do.
It worked like this in my mind: “Okay, even though I feel inadequate right now, I AM in __(insert leadership role here)___ position, so I don’t have to worry that I’m not worth knowing because I have this position to validate me.”
But at Training Camp, nobody knew a thing about me. I couldn’t rely on my talents or past leadership roles to convince others that I am a cool person to know.
Between feeling distant from God and completely insecure about myself, I was really struggling by the middle of the week (not to mention that I was sleeping in my tent in a temperature I had not packed for, going on less sleep than normal, and really needed a shower).
Finally, on Wednesday night, I took my squad mentor’s advice and just sat in silence during worship, listening to the words of my favorite song: “No Longer Slaves” by Bethel. I was desperate for God to reveal that He saw me in my insecurity.
Suddenly, this sentence popped into my head: “Cease striving, Ashley. BE my child.” And right afterward, I saw an image in my head of God lifting my chin to look into His eyes. I began to weep.
Almost immediately, however, I doubted that what I saw was from God and not just my overactive imagination. About 30 seconds later, my squad mate Jess started praying over me – that God would help me to discern truth from lies and in confusion. Woah.
A little later, we split up into groups of 5, and somehow I got volunteered to be the one that my teammates practiced listening prayer for. (This is basically just sitting in silence before God, asking what He has to say about someone).
Brace yourselves… here comes the craziest part! My teammate Kristina is the first to share, and she proceeds to explain an image she had in her head: She saw me walking hand-in-hand with God from behind, and I was a little girl walking with her Father. He turned to me and said, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made.”
I was completely overwhelmed. Not only did God remind me that my insecurities are lies because HE made me, but He confirmed what He had shown me earlier about needing to just BE His child.
For the past few years, I’ve studied God and His Word. I understand God as a Father fairly well because I have a beautiful example of that in my own dad.
But I have never understood how to walk in the identity of being His child.
I have not walked in the authority that a daughter of the King should walk in. I have not rested in the confidence of my adoption as Abba’s own child. I have not lived in the hope of the inheritance I get to have through Jesus.
God deeply encouraged me at my lowest point. He spoke. He has been speaking all along.
Training Camp was absolutely amazing. I am walking away healed from past hurts, expectant that God will blow apart the box I’ve tried to contain Him in, loved for who I am and not what I can do by 35 siblings in Christ, and incredibly eager for the many things God has planned for this next year of my life!!
God has also blessed me with the opportunity to serve as a team leader to start out on the World Race. I’m sure you can understand how humbling and encouraging this is for me, after just working through my struggles with placing my identity in leadership roles. He has provided me with a chance to use my gifts without placing my worth in them for the first time. He is the God of second chances.
You’re a good, good Father. It’s who you are; it’s who you are; it’s who you are, and I’m loved by you. It’s who I am; it’s who I am; it’s who I am.
Thank you for praying, everyone! If you want to hear more about the session topics, or the flow of the week, or the field scenarios, I’d be happy to share!
