Ever since graduating, I have been learning a ton about identity. In particular, my own. It’s funny how major life changes will do that to you. It all started one day close to finals week…
I was begrudgingly writing in the planner upon which my pen had been unleashing mounds of ink for weeks, wondering apathetically how to get everything done. I filled in every blank space (which were sparse to begin with) in tiny, cramped handwriting. My lack of emotion aroused my curiosity, and I began to wonder why I felt so calm when I was in the middle of scribbling a To-Do list that Kevin DeYoung, author of “Crazy Busy,” would probably send me to counseling for. I paused as de ja vu encompassed me. My eyes began scanning the other days of the week, recognizing the exact same To-Do List. I flipped back a few pages, only to realize that I had been re-writing the same To-Do list for weeks without crossing any item off. Yikes.
This may sound strange, but this epiphany actually caused me to come to terms with something that I had been denying for years….
I am not an organized person.
I had always claimed to be an organized person on applications, in interviews, and to myself. I would justify my perpetually cluttered desk as “an organized mess.” But the day I noticed that I had rewritten the same To-Do list for literally weeks, I finally came to realize that my desk wasn’t an organized mess; it was just a mess.
I know it sounds silly, but this was hard for me to admit. Why? I’ll get to that in a minute. But first, one more story.
I recently found myself admitting, for the first time, that I am a cat person. Although I had always vehemently claimed loyalty to the “dog person club,” I have always disliked big dogs, dogs slobbering on my face, barking, and many other strange habits that dogs indulge in. This intrigued me. Despite my aversion for most things about dogs (except the really cute smaller dogs), I had always been so keen on making sure those around me knew that I liked dogs better than cats (even though we have two cats at home…). 
As I recently felt the freedom to embrace my disorganized personality and preference for cats, I have been learning a lot about who I am (and who I am not). Sadly, I got these confused for a while.
I believe the reason I convinced myself that I was organized and loved dogs stems from the same reason that I (and probably lots of girls) wear makeup: fear that being seen for who I am will result in rejection. This is a form of pride. Convincing myself that I am somebody else has served the same function as makeup. It enables me to dress up certain aspects of myself so that I will be more appealing to others. Knowing that dog-lovers tend to despise cat-lovers, I had pretended to be someone else in order to avoid rejection.
College is supposed to make you question, discover, and decide who you are. Usually this is in regard to bigger issues than whether you like dogs or cats better. I know this is a silly post in many ways. And yet, this recent freedom I have experienced in self-discovery has reminded me that no matter what preferences I have, I constantly need to remember that my worth and value are rooted in Jesus Christ and His life-giving Word. I don’t have to impress Him. He will never reject me, and He sees the darkest parts of me.
Jesus always has, and always will, love me without wearing makeup.
Fundraising milestone praise: I just exceeded $5,000 in support, which means that I am more than halfway to the amount I need to raise in order to leave in January. Praise God! Thank you for your support, especially your prayers! Please join me in continuing to pray over every dollar left to raise!
Also, just a reminder that my EP is now available to buy! Contact me about how to get one if you want to support me in this way!
