I woke up sweating and hyperventilating I had just had a horrible nightmare about leaving for the Worldrace. today is December 7 officially one month before I go on the Worldrace. the fears, excitement, anxiety and the stress was at an all-time high today as I try to wrap my head around the fact that I will be leaving my family, the Country and my comfort behind.
The nightmare was not a typical nightmare I didn’t have a dream that someone was killing me or chasing after me, it was much worse than that. I had a dream that I wasn’t prepared, that I woke up and I didn’t have any of my stuff with me. I had to run to REI and try to buy everything and I show up at the Worldrace and they saw how unprepared I am and how last-minute everything was. they tell me sorry Ashley you can’t go on the Worldrace. I started sobbing and I wake up and it felt so real to me that I had to check around and make sure that it was only December 7. It was a great way to start my morning.
My day went on as I was at work with my family and my mom’s doctor called her. He told her that her next appointment is jan 24. My first thought was that’s to far away. He is crazy! I need it done before I leave. I need to know what’s wrong. I need to have peace and need to know the answers now!
I got Mad at God, why can’t it happen why I was here? what’s the benefit of that happening while I’m gone? that’s when it hit me, the benefit is that I have to learn to trust him. I have to turn over my family. I have to trust God to protect them.
Five minutes after I heard from my mom’s doctors appointment one of our squad leaders Larisa facebook messages me back. Saying that she’s has been in the same boat that she understands what I’m going through and that God is obviously calling me to trust him and that he has set this up so that I learn how to do that. Then she tells me something that I already know but very much needed to be reminded of. that God wants to hear from me, that he knows my heart and he knows my mind but I need to be able to say it out loud. I need to talk to him and I need to listen to him even when it hurts and even when I don’t want to.
I’m in the car on the way to my second job. I’m talking to God saying I get it! You want me to trust you. I tell him yeah I can do that! I’ll do it later tonight. Hoping that he won’t see that one part of my heart that says I’m not ready.
now I have a phone date with my teammate Britney!! we are talking about life and what’s going on and I’m telling her everything, being completely honest! I was telling her exactly where I’m at in life and she’s has the exact same thing to say that Larisa had been telling me and I just start chuckling yeah I know exactly what you mean. God has just told me the same thing two other times today!
After being dropped three very big heads up that God wanted me to start trusting him. I opened up and told him exactly how I felt. I don’t know how to trust anyone,I don’t know how to trust him. I think it’s gonna be really hard and I’m going to have to show myself a lot of grace because I don’t know how to do this trust thing at all. but I’m gonna try!! one reason why I feel like it’s so hard for me to trust him is because I don’t know him that well. and that’s my fault. he’s there all the time for me to get to know better and to read more about him! but I sometimes put him on the back burner so today I decide to trust! I decide to learn how to trust even though it’s going to be super hard!
God doesnt call the qualified, he qualifies the called!!
