Wow. I am blown away. I don’t even think that I can express all the thoughts and emotions that I have gone through today. I haven’t even processed it all. So, I’m going to kind of process while I write… I hope that it all makes sense 🙂
This morning, I went to work at 9:00- I still needed $2,300 in my World Race account. *the deadline being today*
On the way to work, I cried out to God.
Am I wrong in thinking the Race is God’s will for me right now? Does that mean I don’t know how to discern the your will? God, can you just speak to me.
I am that I am.
God, that doesn’t even make sense. I must be putting words into your mouth now. I must’ve just wanted to hear you so much that I made that thought.
I am that I am.
God, I am so sure that this is your will. Why won’t you just speak to me and tell me audibly that this is your will?
I am that I am.
God, what does that even mean? I can’t do this. I am going to die of embarrassment if this is not your will. I have told my family. I have told my friends. I have told my coworkers. I have told people I don’t know well. God, I made 5,000 business cards with my route and blog address on them. (the more you buy, the cheaper they were, lol)
God,I don’t think I can even do the World Race if leaving in September is not your will. Too much of my life has already gone into this. The months of working to leave, the money spent on gear, selling my car, getting shots….
… But God, there has been SO much evidence that this is your will… (namely Lynda, a girl on my route- from the SAME city as me, with the SAME job as me, that we got the SAME week and neither of us applied for it. Lynda, the girl that I work with that I MET two months ago that is indirectly connected with some not so great past whom I LIVE with now. Lynda, the girl I live with, that I verbally process with EVERY night.) … And then, I began to think about Job from the Bible. God had him the WHOLE time. God loved Job, so very much. God let Satan attack Job, try to make Job turn against God.
… what if I’m just being attacked… I wonder if Job had conversations with God like I’m having… I’m sure he doubted and questioned God…
Then, I got to work. So that thought process was over.
I come home from that job and get ready for my other job. When I was home for that 30 minutes, I looked at my WR account. I still needed $2,300. Then I went to Facebook.
I was overwhelmed! My new family- L Squad- and several friends had shared my blog on their Facebook walls. It was soo encouraging and so loving! I started bawling. Several wrote some really really kind things when they shared.
Another drive to work. Second round. This time I am praising God for my friends and family: all the encouraging messages, prayers, thoughts. As I’m driving to work I’m praying,
Lord, help my unbelief
God, you’ve got this. I know that whatever you want to happen is going to happen. Lord, you’ve shown me that this is what you want. I know in my heart that this is happening, but my logic is saying that you might not really want it to happen
Lord, help my unbelief
I know that it is happening.
At the restaurant that I work at- all my coworkers asked about my trip.
“What if you don’t get the money today?”
If God wants me to go now, He will provide the money for me to go now- otherwise, I’ll go when He wants me to…
“That is a good answer”… and then we proceed into talking about God.
Me and coworkers. In a restaurant.
*Let me tell you, restaurant people are pretty vulgar and God is scoffed at or not talked about… ever.
Not just one coworker. Like seven. And I got to tell even more about what exactly I’m doing on this trip.
So, now I’m thinking. God showed me last week, when I was having a ‘discussion’ with my family about the race and fundraising, etc- that God will provide the money for my trip exactly when it brings Him the most glory. Okay, so what if talking to another server or kitchen guy was part of bringing Him glory? Hmmm. Then I thought about how God has been teaching me ‘Let it Go’. Like, that is God’s theme for me in this time of my life… So, what if God used this time where I thought that I was going in September to bring me closer to Him, so that I can be a testimony to my coworkers. And by teaching me ‘Let it Go’, the most important thing that He wants me to let go is my squad, and I need to be willing to go on the World Race later?
Basically, while I worked at the restaurant tonight, I kept thinking about not going in September. How will I react? Maybe this is also something that God wants me to Let Go of.
I get in the car after work to come home. Some song that I’ve never heard is playing on my radio. I know the words- because it is an old song- I’ve never heard the tune.
“I surrender all” over and over.
Man. That’s it. God wants me to surrender it all.
My plans.
My expectations.
My future.
My World Race.
“I surrender all”
“God, I surrender it all. I want to go with L Squad. I love L Squad. But I love you more and want to do what you want. I want to go when you want. I want to be used how you want to use me. God, I surrender it all.”
I come into the house. I take my time, but when I come to my computer, I got a little nervous. I sat on the bed with my laptop in my lap. “God, let me know that you are with me no matter what happens when I open my account. Let me be content with whatever you want to do with me. Be with me, God. I surrender all.”
I look at my account. $1070 had hit my account while I was at work. $1070 from the 20th! This past Wednesday. I’m blown away.
30 minutes later, I look at my email. I have messages from people about donations. I’m now $800 dollars away! Incredible.
But then I think for a second, $800 is the exact amount that my sweet friend, Sadie, and I talked about not being much at all. (Sadie is on the July 2014 route- she is actually in Haiti right now :)) We were talking about World Race finances one day before she left and $800 dollars came up. We were talking about how that amount was really nothing at all. That amount. The EXACT amount that I need now. Mind Blown!
Guys, this is real. God is alive. He is doing awesome things EVERY day!
Friends, I am $800 dollars from reaching my deadline to leave the country!!
As my good friend Sadie says, ‘that is nothing at all’!
Thank you all for your support!
Keep praying with me, we’re almost there!!
<3 Ash
