Rewind to the first blog I ever wrote and you will see that in the first sentence I talk about “searching”. That all throughout my life I was always “searching for something” but I could never figure out exactly what I was missing. Now, fast-forward to today, and I clearly know that I was missing the deep, intimate relationship with Jesus that I needed in order to feel complete. Although I knew about God and what it meant to love him, I never really knew what it was like to know him. To know him as a best friend. To know him as a lover. He says in Matthew 7:22-23, “Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name preform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you.’” Here, I think Jesus is referring to the fact of having a living and tangible relationship with him, like you would your friend sitting next to you.
When I look back at my walk with the Lord today, I can see that my continuous searching caused my heart to wander from the Lord, instead of simply turning around to see that he was there the whole time. And this has been something that I have struggled with my entire life.
As a little girl, I remember coming home from school and crying to my mom about my best friend finding a “new” best friend. I knew that my best friend would eventually come back to me after the “newness” and coolness of the other person wore off, but it did not stop the pain of feeling rejected simply because she knew that, regardless of what she did, I would always be there for her.
However, this is the exact thing that I have been doing to Jesus my entire life. I will get a glimpse of the glory that he has for me when I am in the depths of intimacy with him, and then something new of this world will come along, and very easily, I will forget about my relationship with him. It’s exactly like my best friend used to do to me as a little girl. I know that Jesus will always be there for me, waiting for me to run back into his arms, so I am easily swayed into the other direction.
Here is an excerpt from my journal entry that I wrote in the midst of the Lord revealing this to me:
“I’m sorry for straying from your heart, Lord. When all you want is for me to sit with you and respond to your constant pursuit of me. You know my heart and you know how I want to be loved and pursued, and you do just that and even more, Lord. I am overwhelmed with how much you care for me, with how much you love me. With how well you know me and love me anyway. Lord, I’m sorry for the way that I give my heart away so easily. But then quickly realize that it does not fulfill me, so I’ll come back to you because YOU DO FULFILL ME. Completely. Utterly. Wholly. I am whole when I am with you. I return to you, Lord. Help me not to stray any longer. Help me to stay in your arms because choosing you is better than choosing anything else. I entrust my soul to you Lord, because you love me oh so well.”
Jon Thurlow wrote a song called “Shepard of My Soul” in which 2 lines of his lyrics perfectly capture my struggle with wandering but my heart’s true desire to stay with him.
“I was continually straying, but now I return to the shepherd of my soul. I was continually straying, but now I return to the guardian of my soul.”
Now, on the race this wondering has looked different than what it looked like at home. The constant community and Jesus-centered life we are living here makes it virtually impossible to go throughout the day without talking about Jesus. However, it is possible to ignore Jesus’ request of spending quiet, alone time with me. It is possible to go days without reading my Bible or meditating on his words. My wandering here has been more of thinking of other things more than I think of the Lord. Or prioritizing what I think I need more than putting my trust in what the Lord is going to give me.
However, through all of the chaos, every single day I continue to hear the still quiet voice of my God telling me, “Keep coming back to me, my child.” And I will respond to his pursuit by taking my wandering soul and placing it in the only hands that make me finally feel at home.
