“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5,6
It’s in the moments of self-doubt that Satan loves to attack me and use my fears against me.
The biggest hurdle for me in this (so far) is myself. I’ve given up on things in the past because it got too hard; it was easier to run away rather than to face it and grow. It was in the lowest of times that God made me face my biggest fear. The fear of not being enough. Not good enough, not pretty enough, not nice enough, not “Godly” enough, not pure enough.. the list goes on and on. (including not being a good enough blog writer haha)
It took the lowest point for God to restore me. In allowing God to love me, I broke agreements and lies that I had believed my whole life.
And it was in these moments that God showed me all of the things that I’d been using to ignore Him… being too “busy”, relationships, daily mindless distractions. I cannot even begin to tell you how freeing it is to be washed in His grace and mercy. To know that no matter what has happened or happens, He’s been there the whole time and will always be here.
Time and again the old fears and lies creep up, and are exposed in the most random of timings. The most recent one is in regards to this trip. That I’m “going for myself, not for God”… but, I did not ask to go on this particular trip. I prayed that God would open up my eyes to things I’ve not noticed before… that He would wake up in me the things that I have allowed to remain dormant for so long- the things that I’ve done my best so far to ignore; HIS plan for my life.
I fail to realize at times that THIS is so much bigger than myself… that if going on this trip depended on me, it would be over before it even began. If I was doing this for myself, I’d be staying home because it’s way easier than going. In the advancement of His kingdom, there is going to be opposition. There is spiritual warfare going on around us all the time, but it’s always going to be heightened when we are open to God using us.
Following God is not supposed to be “easy”- we’re supposed to take up our cross and follow Him; to literally “die to ourselves”. I’ve heard this best described as it’s as if we are taking the sinful parts of ourselves and nailing them on to the cross. (pretty painful, folks) But, if allowing God to direct my path means I’d be giving up my life here to serve Him, then that’s what I’ll be doing and what I’m preparing to do. I’m leaving it up to God in showing me His will for my life and God will provide.
In utter and complete honesty, I am not doing this for my benefit. My life is not supposed to be lived for myself- it’s for His kingdom. It’s for “me” to fully follow God and trust His plan for my life- for me to die to myself, so I can live for Him. We are far too complacent in realizing how God provides for us because we’re self sufficient. We don’t “need” God. We haven’t seen that having it all is actually enabling us to have nothing.
So many people are depressed and suicidal, and have “everything”.. while others have “nothing”, some dying yet full of life- knowing that nothing on this earth compares to what God has prepared for us. We are too focused on the now and not the goal- which is furthering His kingdom. To love every person, even if it’s only one person.. it’s one more person that knows the love that God has to offer. We are to be the hands and feet, to be God to others. To make disciples of all nations in order to prepare for His return.
“If we saw every single person through the eyes of God, oh what a change this world would experience. No judgement. Just love. Just forgiveness. Just grace. Such peace. What great joy caused by immense value of every individual.” -Marc Phun
God is love. This is why I will go.
Love and Blessings,
Ashleigh
