Over the past few days, I have been learning an overwhelming amount of information about the Lord. He is gracious and good. He is forgiving and loving. Most importantly, he is LORD.
I have been reading "Bittersweet" by Shauna Newquist over the past few days, and within a chapter about a season of loneliness, she wrote "… life was sort of blank during that season: snowy and dim and the kind of bad quiet- the kind where you feel that everyone you know is attending a party you weren't even invited to." This line hit me like a punch in the face. Why? Allow me to explain.
Growing up I was not the most attractive of individuals. In fact, I was a downright ugly duckling for the entirety of my elementary- high school years. People, no eye rolling please. I mean it, childhood was very very little fun for me. A few examples may help…
When I was in third grade, a guy that was much older than me began calling me "Buck Worthless" (my teeth were AWFUL, I'll give 'em that) and it caught on like wildfire. I was Buck, behind my back of course…we were all good southerners you know!, for the rest of my years in that town. I was harassed verbally what seemed like every day from second to tenth grade. Specifically, parties became an extreme issue. I had one birthday party over the course of these ten-ish years. A beanie baby party. We ate pizza and went swimming afterwards. Everyone came. Everyone seemed to be having fun! I was so excited!
…then, we went swimming. Out of the ear shot of the mothers, the girls could finally tell me what they thought of me and my party. "we hate you." "our moms made us come" "i can't wait to leave" "i hope you never have another party" etc. So, I didn't throw another party ever again in that town.
Another example, I went to the mall with my mother and Nana one week before a big birthday party one weekend, and my Nana bought me these white, gorgeous, and super expensive pair of tie up Steve Madden wedges. I had never had a pair of shoes like that and I was so excited to show them off! During the party, my best friend at the time (I don't have a very good track record with these..that blog will come in the future) asked to see my new shoes. I told her "sure!" I was then thrown promptly into the pool with all of my clothes on. I got out of the pool and charged the guy who did it (I should probably mention that I was fiery AND outgoing even back then and through all of the stuff. This did nothing but enhance the mockery.)
Anyway, so I charged him, and broke my nose (but chipped his tooth, I am not going to lie, the little blue scar on the right side of my nose is one of my favorites.) They always say that standing up for yourself is the way to make it stop. Well, those people had CLEARLY never lived in Marion, Alabama.
I get all dried off, and go back to join the party, and my shoes are nowhere to be found. I look everywhere and then go inside to look there. When I came back out, there they were sitting on the table COVERED in Alabama Clay. Now, if you are not from the south, let me fill you in on something we like to call "red clay." Each state lays claim to it, but no matter it's origin, the stuff is FAMOUS for it's ability to stain and never come out leaving whatever it touches with a light mahogany hue. SO, my brand new, first expensive, bright white shoes were completely ruined. I was devastated.
Keep in mind these are only two stories out of HUNDREDS. Don't even get me started on the "special ashlee play rooms" that I was designated to while everyone else played somewhere else. Yeah, that trend was not fun.
When I asked them why they did this to me and my shoes, someone answered up "You were never supposed to be invited in the first place. We don't want you here"
I was never supposed to be there. No one wanted me.
How often have I passed over the beauty of the gospel parallels within my life?! As cliché as it may be, CHRIST WANTED ME. Forever, always, He saw me and loved me, and will never stop.
How quickly I forget! I allow sin and Satan to run all over my life because I "can't help it" or worse, I am just used to it. I was "having a form of godliness, but denying it's power." (II Timothy 3:5)
No more. Through a recent conversation, I realized that by living the life I have been and by doing the things I have been, I am rubbing my witness, testimony, and view of the Cross all in red clay when Christ saw me up on that cross and said, "I know EXACTLY who, what, and how you are my precious, darling, spotless daughter. I still choose you."
So, here is my declaration: I will no longer succumb to the red clay. Getting it off is a process, but the beauty in it all is that the One who has the ability to remove it all is jealous for every bit of me. I have a hardened, stubborn heart by nature, but beauty of this breaks me in the most releasing way.
