Shame
It creeps in like a silent epidemic. It slowly imprisons you. It isolates you. It chains you to your past and makes you think those chains are who you are.
I am a byproduct of Shame.
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Shame: “The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”
-Brené Brown
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I have lived my life chained to my past. Chained to my lust. Chained to my pride. Chained to my tongue. Chained to my drunkenness. Chained to my depression. Chained to my anxiety. Chained to hurt. Chained to anger and bitterness. These chains became who I was. I began to think “I’m too far gone for Jesus to really save me.” I would continue down the path of destruction because I felt as though that was who I was. I was defined by it. Instead of feeling guilty for actions then learning from those actions, I felt shame and came to define myself by those actions. I was trapped in a prison I felt I deserved to be in. Because I was “too much of a sinner” to even bring myself to talk to God, let alone ask Him for forgiveness.
In Brene Brown’s book “I Thought It Was Just Me” she writes, “to start the process of recognizing our shame triggers, we need to look at the concept of unwanted identities.” She explains unwanted identities as “characteristics that undermine our vision of our “ideal” selves.”
For me, those identities have been:
“Prude”
“You should watch your weight, any guy who says he doesn’t care what you look like is lying.”
“Goodie-two-shoes”
“You let people walk all over you.”
“You’re too nice.”
“Selfish”
“Bad daughter”
“You settle.”
“Oh…You don’t smoke?”
“Why are you so happy? Are you on drugs?”
“You’re religious aren’t you…”
“You’re sick again?”
“Ya know in the real world you’re going to have to suck it up.”
“Are you the emotional type?”
So many of these things I didn’t realize were triggering shame at that point in my life. But looking back, it was huge. I tried my hardest to avoid certain conversations with certain people because I knew that it would hurt and they wouldn’t understand. I closed myself off. I shut down. Instead of recognizing when I started to feel shame and stepping back and working through it, I didn’t know what to do with the emotions I was feeling so I shut them down the best I could.
There were a lot of areas and a lot of relationships that my shame affected but I never realized the cause of my emotions. I would shut down and pull away the minute something unfamiliar would pop up…or maybe something far too familiar.
In school, I was seen as the “religious goodie-two-shoes with the perfect life who didn’t have any problems.” I was called “shy”, “prude”, and “pure” and it got in my head that that was something bad…so I tried to be anything but those things. I wanted to be someone different. Right before my senior year, I put myself in a bad position seeking the wrong attention. I had a rough summer and just started living with my dad full time when this happened. When this guy asked me the most dreaded question of “what all have you done with a guy?” I felt like I had to say it in a way like I was bragging…and when he told me “you’re so innocent and inexperienced” I felt the need to prove him wrong. I put myself in that situation because he made me feel ashamed of being good and pure. When I hung out with him, I let him kiss me…I let him lay me down on the couch…Then I wanted to stop because I got scared. He pinned me down by my wrists. I don’t blame myself for what he did, but I walked into that situation looking to “prove myself.” I cried. I kept telling him to stop and he just kept saying, “It’s okay. I promise, nothing will happen…You’re a virgin so it wouldn’t go in anyway.” I was crying…he would not get off of me. When my phone rang, his grip loosened a bit and I slipped out from underneath him and went to the bathroom. I felt awful. No…I felt like shit. I could not bring myself to tell anyone what happened. I fell silent. I could hardly bring myself to talk to God. I didn’t talk to anyone. I spent my days at Mount Jeez after school until it went dark. I cried. I wrote. I tried to pray. I knew God would forgive me…but I couldn’t forgive myself. After that, I didn’t let anyone touch me. If someone would touch my skin, I would get flashes of images from that night. Eventually, I could let guys kiss me, but as soon as they slipped their hand up the back of my shirt or hit my rib cage, I would shut down. I would try my hardest to refrain from crying but the images would not go away. I tried to build up tolerance for it, so each time I made out with someone, I let them go a little further. I began to feel so trapped and “too far gone” and too “impure” to even go back to make the choice to stop. I was stuck in shame. I felt as though I was stuck in a prison I deserved to be in. I didn’t feel I deserved God’s forgiveness so I pulled away from Him because I couldn’t accept myself let alone accept the fact that He accepted me. Just as I was.
So after this happened, I chopped all my hair off and got a pixie cut. I wore black…a lot of black and white. I got involved with a guy who was in a relationship and I got a mohawk. I was now known as the “badass” to my friends. I got obsessed with motorcycles, I got into smoking a little bit, and I hardened my heart. I convinced myself that I was “simply one of the guys” and that I “wasn’t the emotional type” when in all reality, that is who I am. I am an artist. I feel deeply. I long to communicate deeply.
One of my art pieces I did that year was called Vanishing. The meaning and thought behind it was simply that the woman of God was vanishing into the woman of society and of the flesh. She was slowly vanishing into an image of who the world wanted her to be rather than who she was in her Father’s eyes.
Looking back, that’s exactly what my life looked like. I was vanishing into black and white. I was becoming a clone of who I made idols in this world. I wanted to be different.
When I grew up, I wanted to be a confident artsy badass.
Now…I want to be a Woman of God.
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Empathy- “The capacity to feel or understand what another is experiencing.”
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God put people in my life to create an environment of empathy. An environment of understanding. An environment of pure..unconditional..love. The more chains I break, the more chains I discover. This is a long process, but it is so beautiful.
He makes me brave enough to uncover more and work through more. It is hard and it is incredibly painful. But it is good. Oh boy, is it good!
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
-Brené Brown
I am kind.
I am pure.
I am gentle.
I am vulnerable.
I am loving.
I am talented.
I am patient.
I am faithful.
I am strong.
I am joyful.
I am forgiven.
I am free.
I am fearless.
I am at peace.
I am loved.
I am cherished.
I am untouched.
I am worth dying for.
