Before departing for Training Camp (TC), the Lord had asked me to lay down my expectations in specific areas of my life, especially my expectations in friendships with other women.
I was a little confused when the Lord asked me this. I thought I had forgiven the ones who had hurt me, and I had let go of the past.
But something that was taught at TC was, “Whenever you speak negatively about someone, it reflects unforgiveness in your heart towards that person.”
I began to see the bitterness that had taken root in my heart against female friendships.
There were still individuals in my life where I was still harboring unforgiveness against them, and I saw this based off of how I would speak of them in a past sense.
Because of the bitterness, and fear of being judged, I had already determined that I was not going to allow myself to be vulnerable with my teammates, and I was not going to share certain aspects of my testimony.
I never knew that the bitterness and fear were there, because I was not prohibited from having female friendships. But I began to see that I was not being vulnerable, and open in the friendships I did have.
There were so many opportunities to grow in friendship with the girls at TC, but fear on a daily basis would try and creep in my thoughts.
What if they would reject me? Talk bad about me? What if I share with them my heart, and they judge me?
Fear of the past was controlling my friendships.
But every time I would begin to shut down, dwell on the past friendships where I had walked away hurt, the Lord would whisper, “Ariana, this time, it is going to be different.”
Then there was one night at TC that really changed me. The teacher that evening asked us to break off into groups of three.
She encouraged us to be brave, and be vulnerable with each other, and to share something we had not shared before.
To share something that held us back because of fear.
Something we were afraid to be judged about.
My group was two dear friends of mine, Bronwyn and Claudia.
Bronwyn has a laugh that is very contagious, a presence, and smile that lights up a room. She is beautiful, very kind, and tenderhearted.
She offered to be my tent mate when my bag and tent were, “Lost,” at the , “airport.” (TC story.) She was very thoughtful, and generous as we shared a tent and supplies for two nights! And we had a great time together.
Claudia is also very funny. Her quick wit and sense of humor will have you laughing in seconds. She is beautiful, with a compassionate heart, and is quick to listen and love you.
Claudia reminds me of my own family. We had many conversations that made me feel like I was hanging out with one of my cousins.
We broke off in our groups, and I knew specifically, what the Lord had laid on my heart to share.
I was terrified.
The room began to buzz with the quiet sounds of girls pouring out their hearts through conversation and tears.
My group began to share. Claudia went first. She was raw, and vulnerable. It was beautiful to see how she trusted Bronwyn and I.
We listened to her intently and quietly.
When I saw how she poured out her heart, I prayed that the Lord would help me to be brave as He was helping Claudia be brave.
Then, it was my turn.
As I started talking and the more I exposed, the lower my eyes went. Bile rose in my throat, and my heart weighed heavy with shame.
The more I revealed, the more I cowered in my chair.
I heard other girls crying around us, but all I could think about was, “What must these two women think of me?…”
As I shared a vulnerable part of my testimony, no tears came.
I talked about the person who had caused me hurt and pain. I shared about my mistakes, I talked about my shame and my guilt.
But still, no tears.
But then God asked me to say the individual’s name out loud.
And when I said their name out loud, the floodgates opened.
My tears came, and they represented my shame, guilt, and remorse.
My eyes were downcast, because I was terrified to look in their eyes, certain I would only see disgust, rejection, judgement.
But then, I felt two hands grab mine.
I looked up. And in their eyes, all I saw was mercy, forgivenss, and grace.
And the love I saw caught me off guard. Very few people in my life have looked at me like this.
With eyes full of love and compassion.
The Lord used that moment to heal my heart in so many ways. He used that moment to help me forgive my past friendships and uproot bitterness.
He used that moment to reveal more about His mercy, love, and kindness, through these two beautiful women who love Him.
The Lord used these women to help me forgive those from my past, as well as forgive myself.
I have so many stories from TC where the Lord used the women around me, like Bronwyn and Claudia, and so many others, to show me more of who He is.
To show me what it looks like to serve, be genuine, and to love, and love well.
I have a list of names.
List of stories.
Every story is so unique and beautiful.
And I can’t wait to spend the next year of my life, to hear, learn about, and create more stories.
Love you E-Squad.
Love you friends and family.
Blessings and grace to you,
-Ariana
