"What do you do when you feel like God is calling you somewhere you don’t understand, don’t feel particularly gifted in, or have never really considered before?"
Today, as I started looking through my different writings, I came across something that was hard to believe. Roughly two months ago, I defined myself in a way that is so different than what I've seen God do through me in the last few months that it sounds like someone else wrote it:
It has seemed pretty clear clear, as of October of last year (2013), that God has plans for me in leadership. Maybe that sounds a bit silly for me to just now be bringing up. I’ve been “leading worship” off and on since I was a teenager, I’ve been a leader in youth and in various college-aged groups, I've facilitated a middle school boys group. . . the list goes on.
People in my life have seen leadership in me, spoken of a quality in me, and ultimately put me in positions of leadership – yet somehow, in all of that, I still don’t see myself as a “leader.”
What does it mean to be a leader?
What do people see in me that make them say “leader”, that I don’t see?
It’s not that I don’t think I have what it takes to be a leader, or that I fall short of such a title. . . I just don’t look at myself and see natural qualities we tend to attribute to a leader. I don’t see myself as outspoken, determined, quick on my feet, or good with people. In fact, I often see the other side of me – that I often lack an opinion on everyday matters, lack the determination to finish well, need a lot of time to think before speaking, and struggle with knowing what to say in “intentional” conversation.
Certainly, that’s a pessimistic view of myself, but I really tend to relate more with the Moses we read about that hasn’t yet encountered God in a burning bush. I’ve run from problems, retreated from social situations, and often look for a life that’s easy instead of challenging. Things like me going on the race is an attempt to break those patterns . . . but often in positions of leadership I feel like I’ve just been trying to fake it the best I know how.
If you've been reading my blog, it's no mystery that God has been revealing a new (and truer) side of myself, as He sees me: he is revealing me as a leader, as someone courageous and bold. And while reading back my writing from Albania, it's easy from this side of things to see the lies I was believing. As I read my conclusion from this "wrestling in writing," I saw an answer so true that it made me laugh.
So what do I do, then?
What do you do when you feel like God is calling you somewhere you don’t understand, don’t feel particularly gifted in, or have never really considered before?
The only answer I know is that you answer the call, and go.
And that’s what I’ll do. I’ve been asked to be a leader, so I’ll do so the best I know how. I’ll look to serve and not be served, love and understand the people that look to me, and follow my convictions for what I think are best. I’ll die to my opinion, and look to what best serves the team. I’ll keep walking forward, looking to the tough situations as learning moments, that I may be able to take on the mantle well. I’ll step up when I need to, and trust the team’s decisions when I don’t.
Perhaps, that’s all there really is to leadership.
"Perhaps, that's all there really is to leadership" – that you try you best. Words so true, coming from someone that didn't see himself as a leader. It turns out, I had leadership qualities then, just as everyone had said – I just didn't see it.
