“You are my strength when I am weak, You are the treasure that I seek, You are my all in all.”
“All I have in You is More than enough.”
These words probably sound familiar to many of you. In fact many of you sing words like this every Sunday morning or listen to songs like this on the way to work. But what do these words really mean?
Is God our all in all?
Is He the strength we call on when we’re weak?
The treasure that we seek?
Is He really more than enough?
I’d like to think so…… but my life and mindset definitely don’t demonstrate that. In fact my actions and thought process could better be described with words like….
You are great but I need more
Nice things and human relationships is what I seek.
You are my strength when I don’t have the option to depend on someone else.
I can’t even begin to put into words all that God has done in my heart this week. But I am finally learning the meaning behind those worship songs that I have been singing all my life. I thought I was dependent on God. I thought He was more than enough for me. But as soon as I found myself in a situation without all the things that I have become accustomed to, I wasn’t happy.
Was God still there?
Yes, of course He was.
But He wasn’t more than enough for me.
He wasn’t even close to enough for me.
I had a whole check list of things I still needed before I was going to be happy.
You see, I had prepared myself to be without a bed, a hot shower, and the best food but I didn’t prepare myself to be without communication, without people, the ability to build relationships, or without activities to keep me occupied. I didn’t prepare myself to be left alone with my thoughts. I don’t think I even knew what that meant. I have always had to sneak away to be alone. I’ve never just been left there without a choice. So after about three days of being stranded in what I had then very maturely nicknamed CamBOREDia my mind started wondering all over the place. Those words “you are more than enough for me” kept running through my mind and I wanted to believe them but I didn’t.
I wasn’t O.K. just sitting there with God all day… just me and Him.
I wasn’t O.K. with me.
I needed other people around.
Things from my past started popping up left and right. I was starting to see so many of my insecurities that I had blocked out…because “I’m not insecure, I’m confident, I know who I am”……or at least that is what I have always told myself and I’ve always had other people around me confirming that. I loved looking like I had it all together; I loved people coming to me for advice because it made me feel like I had it all together.
After fighting these thoughts and complaining about this place for about a week, I finally caved. I said, “God, all right. Let’s deal with this. I know you brought me for a reason.”So I began to ask him to take my regrets, my insecurities….and then I got really brave and began to ask Him to start revealing anything else I had been avoiding.”
Be careful what you ask for!
I am not going to walk you through the whole process but I will tell it has been brutal. I will tell you that there are still things that I am dealing with and that I don’t have it all together and that I will never have it all together. But I will also tell you….
it is so FREEING to accept that and be o.k. with it,
to stop lying to myself,
to not have anything to hide,
to not depend on other people to confirm who I am.
I cannot even imagine how much better I will be able to love people when I am not depending on them for my happiness, how much more grace will I be able to show them when I am not placing unrealistic expectations on them, or how much more vulnerable will I be when I am not depending on them to tell me who I am. It’s crazy for me to think about how much I depend on my family, friends, and even the people I minister to for my happiness and fulfillment. It is so unfair and so unrealistic. No human is ever going to be able to give me everything I need…. they are human. The truth is that we will always let each other down at some point and if I depend on people for my happiness….when they do let me down, I won’t be able to show them grace because I will feel robbed. If I think I need them, I won’t ever be able to see them as the gift from God that they are.
When He is truly more than enough….It won’t matter where I am, who I am with, or how much is taken from me because He will always be there. I am only beginning to grasp this. I am beginning to see everything else as extra. And oh how many extras God has given me! But I am finally singing these words and really understanding what they mean. I am finally loving people for them and not how they make me feel. The way they make me feel may be awesome….but it is an extra, a gift, a blessing…..not an expectation.
It’s crazy how fast my attitude has changed about this place. The last couple of days have been so relaxing and so appreciated. I have found so much joy in being here….yes I said it…I like CamBOREDia now. In fact I think I am actually going to miss it. But I’m not so worried about where I will be next, or where I will be three months from now…..God really is more than enough and I will really be ok wherever. I can’t promise I won’t complain again or that I won’t need to be reminded of this in the future (or maybe even in a week)…. But our God is so gracious and so patient. HE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME.
