So I haven’t been very good at this blogging thing…but I’m working on it. Lately my mind has been everywhere but world race. I have no doubt this is what God wants me to do but I have been so overwhelmed with school and all the changes taking place in my life that I have tried to avoid thinking about this trip so that I don’t get more overwhelmed with all the preparation that needs to take place. The truth is I am having a hard time letting go of college life, Valdosta, and the relationships I have developed over the last couple of years. It scares me to think about how much can change in one year. I would love to think that everyone will be right where I left them when I come back, waiting for my return, and ready to pick back up wherever we left off. But reality tells me things may not be the same and I probably won’t be the same either. I don’t really know what to expect. Recently I have started to realize how much I really care for my friends here in Valdosta and how much this place means to me. Maybe it’s because i know I’m leaving and the saying, “you don’t realize what you have until it’s gone” really is true.
I have spent my nights thinking about the people here and wondering if I have left them with the right impression of me and more importantly the right impression of God. Have I said enough? Did I say to much? Do they understand that even though I often fail to do the right thing, my heart’s desire really is to walk in God’s will? Do they know how much I care about them? Do they care as much as I do? Have I impacted their lives? Will they remember me? Do they know that I want nothing more than for them to experience God’s precious love? Is this it, or will they be in life for years to come?
I have spent my nights thinking about the people here and wondering if I have left them with the right impression of me and more importantly the right impression of God. Have I said enough? Did I say to much? Do they understand that even though I often fail to do the right thing, my heart’s desire really is to walk in God’s will? Do they know how much I care about them? Do they care as much as I do? Have I impacted their lives? Will they remember me? Do they know that I want nothing more than for them to experience God’s precious love? Is this it, or will they be in life for years to come?
I only have a couple more weeks in Valdosta and I may never know the answers to some of these questions. I am always going to feel like I could have done more, said more, and been a better example. I am always going to wonder what they thought. But the one thing I am sure of is that I could not have loved them anymore. If I had to name one thing that I have learned during my time in college, its how to love. When I use to hear the word “love” I would imagine a fairytale romance but love is SO much more. Love is so powerful but it’s not always happy, it’s being willing to make sacrifices, doing whats right for the ones you love even if it hurts you, not being able to give up on someone even if everyone else does,its hurting when they hurt, its FORGIVING, love is not always returned but it is never forgotten.
I use to be so consumed with myself, my wants, and desires that I often failed to take the time to really understand and get to know other people….to me love was more conditional than unconditional. As I have grown spiritually, I have experienced love beyond an intensity that I could have ever imagined. Over the last year and a half I have asked God to teach me to love like Him. He has definitely put people in my life and put me in several situations to teach me what He means by love. I have to admit it is far from what I thought but it’s what makes life worth living and what gives hope to the hopeless.
I say all this to say that I have learned to love, appreciate, and understand my family and friends in ways that I can not even express in words. I can’t really imagine suddenly being across the world, not having any those people in my life, and not being able to be there for them like I want to. But I guess that is where the trust and control comes in….Right now I am asking God to help me trust that He is in control. Each one of my family and friends lives will be in His hands and so will mine. The people He wants to stay in my life will and He will continue to work on them and be with them even while I am gone. Not knowing what to expect or what will come next is not something I have ever really had to worry about and I will be the first to admit that I am scared to death. It’s so easy to say “God is in control” but I want to really believe it when I say it. Please pray that God will teach me to trust Him and prepare my heart for what is ahead.
