"You don't trust the love."
Those words were spoken to me at training camp by one of our squad coaches as we said good-bye.
Totally taken aback, I did have to hand it to her; I'm not very trusting and I did nothing to try to get to know our squad coaches those few days we had together. (Let's be honest, I've never been very good with authority figures.)
But was I really that transparent?
Coming back from training camp, those words have continued to resonate within me.
I haven't been able to escape them.
And I couldn't figure out why.
Fast forward to a couple days ago…
I'm in Starbucks (my home away from home) and I'm trying to journal out why it is I'm always so AFRAID to get out of my comfort zone and follow God where He is leading me.
I know that I struggle with coming out from behind my walls because when I was little I promised myself that I'd never allow anyone to hurt me ever again. And I've been trying desperately to let go of that promise to myself. But there's more to the issue, there's a root deeper than that…and that's when I hear it…
"You don't trust MY love."
I had just gotten called out by God. And I wasn't sure how to handle that.
But oh the truth in those words! God tries to do something in my life, and I'm the first one to question His motives. I doubt the goodness of God. I don't trust His love. And, being totally honest, sometimes it's just EASIER not to. You can't be disappointed if you don't have any expectations, right?
I know all of this of myself, though. So why was it coming up again?
"Go deeper" is all I hear. So I did what any girl with trust issues would do…I walked away from it, unable to handle what was going on inside of me.
But because God is good and doesn't give up on people (boy, can I testify to that!), I found myself back on this topic this morning. My mind is wandering around, and I'm trying to go deeper, but I felt a little aimless about it all. Then this question pops up in my mind, "What is your favorite childhood memory?" Odd, but okay, I'll take it.
I find myself looking back at my childhood and trying to find the happy times (usually not the words I would associate with those years). And I realize what my favorite period of my childhood is…
My favorite part of my childhood was when we lived in the middle of nowhere in Humboldt County, California and I would run around barefoot in the woods surrounding our house. (Yeah, I was THAT kid.) But that wasn't why I loved it so much.
That time in my life is when I first felt truly loved, precious, cherished, special…chosen. I felt known, worthy, valued at a time where it felt like I was greatly invisible to all those who were supposed to be looking after me.
The person who made me feel this way? My stepbrother. The very person who took these feelings and used them to coerce me into performing sexual acts no person should ever be forced into, let alone a six-year-old girl.
My own desire to be loved had been used against me. And my feelings had betrayed me.
So when these same words are used to describe God's love for me, or how much God cares for me, there's still a part of me that distrusts them. When I feel those same feelings, a part of me says "run" because they might be used against me again. I still cannot help but to associate my stepbrother with God, as appalling as that sounds.
The story doesn't stop at this epiphany, though (praise the Lord).
This evening, I walked into Bethel Church with a heart desperately wanting to meet with God and to be broken of these chains that restrain me from going deeper in my relationship with God.
We're worshipping and I'm earnestly crying out the lyrics of the song, "Lord God, come awaken love, stir my soul to long for all You are, I'm desperate just to have more of Your heart, come awaken love."
And as I stand there, I have this image of Jesus standing before me. He places both hands on either side of my face, making me look into His eyes, and He tells me, "I will never be your stepbrother, my love is pure, and you are safe with me."
My butt lands in the seat as I'm feeling light-headed from what has just happened.
And I continue to sit there for the rest of worship and truly, honestly, rest in the peace and knowledge that my God is a good God; one to not be feared, but loved oh so greatly.
I can trust when it comes to God because He is THE ONLY person who will never use my love for Him against me, who will always love and cherish me with the purity of a perfect God, and who truly sees me for the person He created me to be. My Abba is amazing, and worthy of every bit of love and trust I could ever give Him.
Tonight one more chain was broken from my heart. One very large, very heavy chain. And I am so excited to continue to go deeper in my relationship with God. 🙂
