Training camp started off rough.
The first day of camp, they had us diving into areas of my life I was not expecting to go…at least not for another few days.
One of our first talks was about dealing with the wounds of our past. At the end, they asked us to write a list of things we still needed to grieve over with God.
Now, this last year has been a huge year of healing for me, so I thought I would be relatively okay; but as I began to write my list, I could feel God ripping off all the band-aids that had ever been placed on my heart. My wounds feet fresh, the pain is so real again, and I'm sobbing.
My list is long. Much longer than I'd imagined. And on it are things that I thought I had already dealt with.
But there they were, starring back at me again. Tearing through my heart as if they had just occurred.
I put myself together and went to lunch. But I didn't last long. Before I knew it, tears are leaking from my face, and I'm telling these strangers (now family) all my stuff. Stuff I so desperately wished to just hide away in myself.
For the first time in my life, I open up the depths of my heart to others. I tell not just of the abuse I've endured, the physical violence brought against me; but I start to tell of the broken little girl that still exists inside of me.
A little girl who grew up too fast, who has known pain beyond compare.
A girl who desperately wishes there would have been someone to protect her from all this, someone to stand up and fight for her when she so needed them to.
A girl who still questions where God was when all of this was happening.
You see, my grief list may be long, but it all comes back to one thing: the taking of my innocence until there was none left. A loss of innocence that with it also took my joy and hope and freedom.
So there I sat. Broken beyond comprehension. Unsure of where to go from there.
But that is the beauty of the Lord. God brings you to a point of brokenness so that you are forced to rely on Him – but He doesn't leave you there for long.
And God didn't leave me there long, either. But you'll have to wait for Part 2 for that story…
Until then, I ask that if you desire to grow in your relationship with God, that you would take the time to sit and answer these questions for yourself:
– What wounds still need healing?
– What pain still lingers inside your heart?
– What do you need to grieve?
– Write your own grief list. And be honest with yourself, and with God.
DO NOT be afraid of the pain! Press into it instead. For out of great pain comes great joy. The Lord will not leave you broken, He will restore your soul.
And if you need someone to talk to, or to pray for you, feel free to call me. 🙂 530.356.4526
"I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God."
~ Psalm 40: 1-3 (NIV)
