I get air conditioning out of the 112 degrees’ Cambodian heat when I post blogs. This could have persuaded me slightly to write, yes, but I also have a lot to say about these last 9 months. I am not exactly sure where I am going with this besides where I am now and how I got there. I honestly should preface this blog with how I came on the race:
I was known for not always thinking before I did things in my life which kinda sums up how I got on World Race. I just do not even remember processing what is World Race, what we do, and really where we go. I just signed up and felt peace about it so shortly six months after I was in Guatemala. I also had this vision of me looking like a hip, adventurous girl on top of a beautiful mountain having a blast. I failed to achieve any of that besides having a blast. But really I am ashamed to say “ministry” never crossed my mind nor did the intense spiritual environment side of this trip ever occur to me. I was shortly smacked in the face with both. I mean like waking up at 6 am to shovel for 8 hours really wasn’t what I pictured but I was there already so I took what I got. Then first debrief rolls around and they speak on forgiveness and brokenness and ask you to reflect your heart and the last 18 years of your life. So the first of many sob sessions with my best friends of the race started there.
So safe to say I was in for a treat!! I came onto the race knowing Jesus and I would say having good morals but I know now I did not follow Jesus at that point. I was taken back by my 40 squad mates who seemed to have it all figured out they had the small groups and had the torn up bibles. I am so happy I had them for this year (shout out to Gap G) I have made best friends for life and have learned so much from everyone. But in Guatemala I would say I was on a honey moon I was just so intrigued by love, joy and goodness that came with Jesus. I worshipped and wanted to dance and smile always. South Africa rolled around and I thought to myself a lot of Christians read the bible I should probably do that. Quickly I found myself being introduced into “wrath” and “judgement of God and I had enough of the bible for sure then. One gold nugget of information I learned is: Jesus does not hate when his people are questioning he hates when his people lose faith because they did not get the answer. I lost faith starting in December I could not wrap my head around why gay marriage had to be hell worthy or why Jesus did not answer my questions. I read the book “Blue like Jazz” which is an unreligious stand point on Christian Spirituality and for all who have not read it, please do. “It comforts me to think that if we are created beings the thing that created us would have to be greater than us, so much greater, in fact, that we would not be able to understand it. It would have to be greater than the facts of our reality and so it would seem to us, looking out from within our reality that it would contradict reason. But reason itself would suggest it would have to be greater than reality or it would not be reasonable.” This is genius to me that we should find comfort and, really, more faith in God because he is greater…nothing we know even is comparable to what he is. It says in the bible if you have faith as small as a mustard seed nothing would be impossible, a little seed amount of Jesus is almost too much for us to handle. This gave me even more reason to believe that there was a God who was intricate enough for us to uncomprehend but it was all for good. Because God is good.
I will do a small harry potter rant because it genuinely helped me so maybe you. Sometimes I saw God as sunshine and butterflies and there was nothing but laughter associated with loving Him. Then I started to see him as Snape. He was killing people and seemed to let a lot of bad things happen or look like he was a part of them even. Your instincts do not like Snape but us as readers and watchers we could not fully understand him without reading his mind or seeing every move. But Snape acted out of love, he loved Lily Potter so much he would have to let horrible things happen all in the end to protect Harry Potter. All along it was part of a plan. Jesus is like that to me somedays. My instinct is to not like him and I do not understand him but I have belief it’s for good in the bigger plan. He loves us so much. That his motif always, nothing but love. As was Snape’s.
Before I could even know it we were in Cambodia. How this happened I am not sure. When you are staring at the calendar app on bad, homesick days it seems like 9 months is an eternity. But on the majority of “loving life” days it seems like it will not slow down. So next season God had me in was finding my way. I knew what I believed but I had to decide how I was going to do it. Ghandi once said “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” This was after he spent much time with Christian missionaries. I feel two things when I read that. First, somebody like Ghandi who is a well-respected Hindu and is more intelligent and passionate than anyone, had believed Christ was good. If it’s hard for you to want to love Jesus because your neighbor does, that’s okay but Ghandi saw how amazing Christ was. Now that’s something worthy!! Second, I am so sad because this is true. Our religion is not Christ. I believe we misrepresent Jesus and instead spread the “good news” like we are called too we almost push people away. I did not want to be a Christian for a while due to examples of what that was around me. Whether I saw them being judgmental, racist, or making it about themselves. It was not love, equality, or Christ centered. I had to sit down with myself and think do I just want to claim I am not a Christian but that I love Jesus. But I decided I want to claim I am Christian I want to make it spirit and truth led. I will fail because we are all broken. But my goal is Him. Then how I was going to do it was love. If I could get a tattoo on my forehead it would say LOVEEEEEEE. I am passionate about this and want to just shake the world and tell them to love. I know Jesus wants to too. Jesus does not need our help with spreading kingdom but he believes we can help. I want to help bring people in not push people out. I challenge anyone reading this be different today. Positivity and love are almost foreign in this world that is different. No one on earth is like Jesus. Jesus was the biggest rebel to society norms to this day. Our society will deem some races, genders, and religion/ ethnicities as wrong. Love them. That’s what Jesus would do. It is not about who sins “less” or who knows the most verses. It is about being like him, which is different. Do not forget it.
I have a million and one stories about this year and have not written blogs to share them all, my dearest apologies. But I believe all my laughers, cries, and crazy moments are amazing but I think what I learned is so much more important. I would love to get coffee or message anyone about them though. Also dearest apologies to many I have not texted or emailed back staying present here has been a priority. I love you all bye!
