When we left each other last, I was in quite the state of over-thinking and questioning how to truly be
myself. The question we can ask ourselves is how does someone in that state of mind learn to think the truth when the truth is seeming to allude them. Yet because my God is faithful even when I am faithless, the truth became apparent one morning as I ran through the chaos of Filipino traffic and people.
All of a sudden God started to talk.
It was like He looked at me and said “Annie Rose, I have already given you everything you need to walk in faith. I have already taught you how to fight for yourself. So will you choose to fight?”
The best way I can explain the change that came is to share with you my journal entry from that day… It is a prayer crying out to my God who loves me.
“I choose You on this day. I choose joy and I will fight. And You can teach me how to be completely myself in the midst of fighting. But I’m not gonna stop… even if it’s fake, I need You to change my heart and transform me. So. I’m not gonna stop working out my salvation in fear and trembling. And yet I will continue to be still and know that you are God. Psalm 131. I choose joy and faithfulness in this day and I’m putting on the whole armor too! I stand in peace because it is sold ground. My mind is redeemed by salvation and it functions under that umbrella, not under imprisonment of evil or my flesh. The faith You live through me is blocking the arrows of the evil one. My heart is protected and surrounded by righteousness so when sin calls my name, or I want to be easily offended, I can choose instead the confidence in righteousness that protects my heart. And I protect my most sensitive places with truth instead of believing what I think or want, I will believe what God says. Ephesians 6:13-17″
There were no tears or dramatics, it was simply a choice that the Holy Spirit inside of me made.
I chose to stop believing my mind and start standing on the foundation of His Word.
That day, I climbed a coconut tree. Not because I wanted to prove anything but because I was suddenly freed to be who I really was. Instead of over-thinking it, I just started to walk. Instead of watching life happen to me, I started to act on life.
My testimonies that I had been sharing at churches began to change. Instead of attempting to be all put together, I started to share the real story of Annie Rose. I shared about my struggles with depression and an eating disorder in college. I started to talk about how the only way I could find victory in those areas was to stop comparing myself to others and learn how to accept God’s love. I shared about how my walk with the Lord is messy and how I still stumble and fall sometimes but how ultimately I just want to know my God and love Him.
Instead of living up to expectations, I began to simply live. And I could hear Jesus crying out to me as I have since the beginning of the race.
TALITHA KOUM- GET UP LITTLE GIRL AND LIVE!
I chose to walk into the things that God has said over me and about me and there was VICTORY in that! The month ended with me crying in front of many more people than my team. They weren’t bad tears and they needed to happen. But this time I wasn’t embarrassed or surprised.
“How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous- how well I know it.” Psalm 139
