My internal monologue is 90% me arguing with myself.
“Eggs and beans for breakfast is gross”.
“No, I’m hungry, feed me. Also eat what is put in front of you and be grateful”.
“Don’t talk to strangers”.
“No you need to make new friends”.
“Stop talking. God you’re so awkward”.
“No, share, sharing is good. If you don’t share you’ll turn into a hermit”.
“I can’t do this. I am not cut out for ministry”.
“Go pray for people already.”
On the World Race we do this thing called ATL. Everything with AIM (Adventures in Missions) is an acronym. PTL (Praise the Lord), LDW (Leadership Development Weekend), ATL (Ask The Lord). The point of ATL is to seek the Lord in prayer about how He wants to love on the people of the community that we are in. We pray first and then go out and ask God to show us people to bless and pray for. Sometimes we ask God for specific characteristics to be looking for so He can lead us to specific people.
ATL low key stresses me out. I’m a person who thrives under structure and knowing exactly what is expected of me so that I can pursue that thing with excellence. I am also shy and talking to strangers is not my strong suit. I don’t talk to people I don’t know in the States much less in a Ugandan city where I am even more out of my comfort zone.
When my team touched down in Uganda we spent a few days in a Hostel in Kampala before traveling 6 hours north to our ministry site. Over these few days we did ATL. Our first day we decided to do a prayer walk around the city. We split up into groups of three and went opposite directions on the main road. My group walked to the market and talked to people for a little while before going back up the street we came down. We saw a sign for a church that read “serving God, loving people”. Since that is basically the mission statement of the World Race and our lives we decided to check it out. We ended up meeting one of the leaders in the church and getting to talk to her about their ministry. We played with the kids that were hanging out there and while we were there we ran into the other half of our team. They had met a girl while walking around who happened to be on the worship team at this church. They were on their way to her house so they could pray with her mother. We ended up returning to the church that night and helped lead worship at their service.
The whole day was an incredible and surreal experience. I felt awkward and uncomfortable almost the entire time. I fell into the trap of comparing myself with my teammates. They all seemed so at ease. So comfortable and natural in this completely new surrounding. They had no problem going up to people and striking up conversations and playing with kids. Everything they said was intentional from the prayers they spoke to making sure they told every little girl that she was beautiful. I struggled with all of these things.
That night when we returned to the church for worship service one of the leaders was praying. There were two phrases that she kept repeating that are still stuck in my mind.
“It is not about our ability”.
And every time she declared something over the congregation:
“In the mighty name of Jesus”.
After spending a whole day feeling incompetent, awkward, and anxious it was a much needed reminder that it is Jesus who has the power and not me.
It’s a cliche but I’m going to say it anyway:
“God does not call the qualified but He qualifies the called”.
If I tried to do ministry in my own ability I’d be doomed before even starting. As much as it is a habit of mine to rely on my own strength I know that the more I depend on God the more successful I will be. Whether that be ATL, building relationships, or doing laundry. It is far better to do things with God than to do things for God.
