For the first half of this story please see my previous post “yozg”. If you don’t feel like committing to that much reading all you really need to know is that about 9 weeks ago I got hit by a semi and my car was totaled.
The past weeks have been insanely stressful and overwhelming. One of the hardest things for me was dealing with all the car nonsense meant that World Race preparation got put on the shelf. Its hard to work out your vaccination schedule when you’re fighting with the towing company. Fundraising took a back seat to things like physical therapy and hours at the DMV getting my license switched over. But slowly and surely things got done. With the help of my awesome dad and friends here in Orlando I was able to find a car and once I finally had a day off that the DMV was open, got plates and registration. A trip to the mechanic to have it looked at and we were golden. Finally after almost a month and a half I had a car that I could drive. Yes, its a little janky. No power windows or locks, the cup holders are broken as well as most of the door handles. I named him Reginald because his name is the only classy thing about him. He is a bit of a hot mess, but he is my hot mess.
The night after I picked up my car from the shop was the first night of a three day youth conference at my church called “Tidal Wave”. All of the youth/young adult ministries are water themed so when we all come together it makes quite a splash.
*hold for laughter*
The service was awesome and our youth auditorium was packed out. God was moving and it was really cool. I got to see a bunch of my students and meet some that I would be leading in the upcoming Fine Arts season. There was much hugging and laughing and kickstarting of inside jokes.
After so many weeks of stress the whole thing was sort of starting to, maybe sort of, a little bit, feel over. Like the worst of it was through and it was all going to work out. This was a cause for celebration, this was an occasion for ice cream. I got my celebratory ice cream with a dear friend and then started the trek back across town to my apartment.
As I was driving I called my mom to give her an update on car things and what the mechanic had said and to fill her in on life in general. I didn’t realize what was happening as the phone flew out of my hand onto the dashboard and I was thrown forward and then back into my seat. I had been rear ended. I hadn’t stopped suddenly, I wasn’t even slowing down. While going 35-40mph I had been rear ended.
All I saw was headlights, I didn’t get any kind of look at the car. They were gone before I could turn around. I pulled off toward the median and looked around some more, expecting to see someone stopped but there was no one there. I had been rear ended and it was a hit and run.
At some point during this I retrieved my phone from where it had been flung up on the dashboard and my mom, who was still on the line, asked me if I had sneezed and dropped my phone.
“No, I got rear ended.”
The hardest part about both accidents was the 3-5 mins directly after the impact. The hardest part is not hyperventilating. I would like to say that I was calm about the whole situation and took it with stoic bravery in a manner that would have made my viking ancestors proud but that is not the case. Through the sobbing I kept repeating to my mom:
“I can’t do this again, I can’t do this.”
She told me I needed to hang up with her and call the police. I didn’t see the point, after all, its not like I saw the person that hit me. But after pulling off into a shopping plaza I called and the nice operator told me I was “next in line” so as long as an emergency call didn’t come in the officer would be there shortly.
I called my mom back to update her and she told me that she had called the friend who I had just left having ice cream with and that they were on their way to sit with me while waiting for the officer. The officer filled out the crash report and said they would look on the traffic cams at the nearby intersection to see if they caught anything but it didn’t sound terribly promising.
So after all of this nonsense. After weeks of stress and tears here was a whole new situation to deal with. My “new” car and I can’t even use the trunk. And you know what the insurance policy that I bought for the car and had had for less than a week didn’t have on it? Collision or uninsured driver coverage. So it was all on me. If the car is getting fixed its coming out of my pocket.
Saying that this was discouraging was an understatement. But I knew that I could do another month and a half of being overwhelmed all the time. So I decided to have a sense of humor about it. I mean the irony is a little funny right? What are the odds? For reals, someone tell me what the odds are.
I spent most of the next day laughing to myself. This was kind of hilarious right? Or maybe if I keep thinking its hilarious then I won’t think about just how stupid it is. But by the end of the day my humor had run out. I made my way to night 2 of Tidal Wave anxious for some praise and worship time.
The second night was just as good as the first. The speaker talked about how a lot of times as Christians we can be guilty of “talking the talk” but not “walking the walk”. That we can’t stand with one foot in and one foot out but God calls us to go all in. Around the time of the altar call the speaker released us to spend some time in prayer and worship and commit to going all in with our walk with God.
Now I am what they call a ‘pacer’. I like to pace and walk around when I pray or worship. It gives my body something to do so my mind can focus. I have never needed to pace and pray so much. I found a corner at the back of the auditorium and went for it. Fists clenched, singing along with the band at the top of my lungs, I don’t think I have ever experienced a time of more desperate worship in my life. Wasn’t I “all in” already? I mean, I’m dropping everything to do a year of missions work for crying out loud.
I was completely at the end of myself. I had no solutions to these problems. I didn’t have the money or the resources, nothing about this situation was possible. On top of all of the car things I hadn’t even raised $1000 for my Race. I turned to God in the moment and threw the whole thing at His feet. Most of my prayer life is spent in silence, its not often that I say things out loud but you better believe I was on my knees, crying out to the only one who I knew could provide in this situation. Knowing that there was no way that I could do it without Him.
God allows us to walk through things not because He enjoys making us miserable but so we realize our utter helplessness without Him. I am a very independent person. I don’t like asking for help or relying on other people. It makes me feel awkward. But looking at the reality of this situation I do not within my own strength have the means. There is no way I could work enough hours to raise $17,361 by myself. It is impossible. But impossible situations is where God loves to move. Once we realize that we are powerless in a situation it give Him room to show Himself faithful in providing.
God is all about the process. There are things that I have learned over the course of this that I know I will need as I am traveling next year. I’ll say it again: asking for help is not my forte. I hate it. It makes me feel weird and squirmy. But there is no way I’ll be able to do the World Race in my own abilities. I will have to rely on God and on my teammates. The fundraising process alone is nothing but asking people to come alongside you and support you both financially and spiritually through prayer and encouragement.
Since that “point of desperation” my outlook on things has started to shift. Being a practical person I like to look at problems and figure out a plan to tackle them. But I almost always do that in a way that doesn’t give God room to work. Its always been about me and what I need to do to accomplish the thing.
But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
Phillipians 4:19
How could I think even for a moment that God would not show up? Is He not big enough? Does He not have enough grace? Enough power? Of course He does! I think that part of the point of this whole mess was Him bringing me to a place where I had no option but to trust that He is who He says He is.
“God is not a man, that He should lie,
Nor a son of man, that He should repent.
Has He said, and will He not do?
Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good?
Numbers 23:19
Now like I said God is all about the process. I’m not going to for a second pretend that I have it all figured out or now I have perfect faith all the time and I’ve had my “road to Damascus” moment and I’ll never have questions again. Of course not. The whole point is to daily wake up and say “God I believe that you are who you say you are and that you will do what you said you are going to do”.
