This past week at debrief I was invited to do something that I had never done before. Something that was going to be hard, going to hurt, going to open deep wounds, going to bring joy, going to bring truth, going to bring freedom. And I said yes.
When I went to debrief I thought it was going to be this super chill and relaxing week basking up the sun on the shore of El Tunco. Something ive learned though while being on the race is that expectations are useless because no matter what’s going on, all pre conceived ideas will be shattered and blown. Completely.
So this week turned into the most difficult yet freeing weeks thus far. It all started with our team in a room surrounded by our squad leaders, mentors, and coaches. They were asking us questions and checking in with how our team is working, how ministry has been, and basically just making sure we are still sane. At the end of our team meeting, Kerry, one of our coaches, invited me to have a one on one with him. I am so glad I said yes, because while I was in a one on one with him he brought up the term deliverance.
Deliverance is a process where you take all the lies you believe about yourself to the Lord and he breaks the chains to those lies.
When Kerry first asked me if this was something I would be interested in taking part in, I got so excited. For the longest time I felt this wall was built up in my life, and I wasn’t sure why it was there or how to break it down. I felt like I was trapped. So I couldn’t wait to try this. Even though I was skeptical, it was a shot.
He asked me if I would be comfortable with having Katie, one of our squad leaders, there to lead it and if it would be ok if he were there too. Of course I said yes. For those of you who don’t know these two, they are literally two of the most spirit led humans I know. I see Jesus in them so clearly.
So I said yes. That afternoon, I found Katie to figure out a time with her and once we decided in the next day at 10:30, she gave me some homework. She asked me to think of all the lies I believed about myself and she asked me to write them down and bring them to the session the next day.
That was one of the hardest things ive ever had to do. Once I started writing and realizing what my heart believed to be true even though my biblical knowledge told me otherwise, I couldn’t help but get frusterated with myself. I don’t know why I ever let myself believe these awful things. (In part two I will share what they are) These are the things I tell any girl not to believe about their self. Yet I found that all the knowledge I had accumulated over the years meant nothing once I let Satan whisper those lies to me. Over the span of 9 hours I ended up coming up with 12 lies I believed.
The next day I woke up and felt awful. Overnight I got so sick. I woke up and had to jump up and run just to make it to the bathroom on time. I didn’t feel like doing anything, let alone have a spiritual battle come to the light. But I knew it was something I needed to do.
Once I got in the room with Katie and Kerry, I started to become anxious because I really didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know what was going to happen in my spirit, I didn’t know if I would feel any different at the end, I didn’t know if it was even going to work. My skepticism was high to say the least.
We started out with prayer, and then Katie explained to me the process that I was going to go through. She shared her experience with deliverance and then told me I was welcome to ask questions at any time throughout the process. Then they asked me a question. One I was kind of hoping wouldn’t be asked. But of course, it was the first thing brought up. They asked me where I saw Jesus in the room.
This is one of the many things I have been struggling to grasp lately. I see Gods work all around me, and I can see how the holy spirit is in people. I know in my head that Jesus is closer than the words on my tongue. But I have been really struggling with believing that lately. I don’t see him or feel him and its been hard for me to believe in my heart that he is there.
So my answer was just that. My answer was “I don’t know where he is. I just don’t know.” I don’t remember their exact response; I don’t even really know what happened next. I just remember Katie walking through the first item on my list with me, then Kerry asking me to ask God when I first felt that way. God gave me an image (after awkwardly sitting in silence, because I’m not very good at listening to what God ahs to say). Once I shared that image Kerry asked me to look and see where Jesus was in that room. I sat there and almost immediately God showed me that he was there. Standing right next to me. I couldn’t help but grin this big cheesy grin, because he began to reveal himself to me. And I could already see him taking my disbelief away.
I guess I should probably explain the process to you of deliverance. So in the beginning I had to read through all of the 12 things I had written down just one after another. Then I went back to the beginning and read just one at a time. For each one I would identify that it was a lie. Then I would ask Abba for forgiveness because I believed in that lie, I believed in something that wasn’t from him. Once I did that I would declare his truth over me. I would declare the opposite of whatever it was I believed. Then I would ask God to break the chains and cut the ties of those lies and I told him I was ready to put those lies behind a closed door. Then for some, not all, of the lies we would go back and look at the root of them. We would talk through why I believed those things and we looked at the deep wounds underneath them.
I never had a point where I felt the chains be broken. I never physically felt any ties being cut. But throughout the whole process I felt the lord working on my heart. Slowly I felt his freedom overcoming me. I felt so much joy with each lie being brought to light. By the time I brought lie three to light, my sickness disappeared. It was all a spiritual attack! Also, Jesus revealed himself to me in a new light. A few days before an image had popped into my head of a wooden door with a bronze knob and when I went to try and open it, I couldn’t. It was stuck shut. I realized during my deliverance that the door I saw is the closed door I was putting all of these lies behind. It was so awesome having all of these things click and realizing that Jesus works all the time, even when you cant see it.
Just because I did this deliverance thing doesn’t mean that I don’t still struggle with some of these lies. It is a process and my heart doesn’t just flip a switch and change overnight. However, my outlook on life has changed a lot over these past few days. Every day I wake up in freedom and once I realize that freedom is my life forever, I get so joyful! I love just watching how he is slowly changing my heart and I cant wait to see the final product of the life he has called me to.
I do plan on writing another blog in a week or so about my list and go more in depth on what I believed. But for now here is the story on how I found my freedom at a rocky beach in El Salvador named The Pig.
UPDATE: So my team and I made it to Mi Casa in Santa Tecla! As far as we can tell we don’t have a specific ministry, were just hanging out with the kids and living life with them. Their summer break is just starting up so right now all they’re really wanting to do is sit and watch tv, so were just trying to come up with things to do with them! Even though we haven’t been here long, I have loved it here. Our new host is so sweet and so are all the kids and staff! I cant wait to be able to experience this next month here before we head off to Malawi!
Thanks for taking the time to read through this blog! I love you!
