With only a little more than three weeks left on the race, my heart is so torn, torn between feelings of elation and deep sadness. It is truly bittersweet. I can hardly wait to wrap my arms around my sisters. I can hardly wait to just drive my car, alone, whenever I want, wherever I want. I can hardly wait to visit my friends, sit together over coffee, and just enjoy the company we’ve missed for eleven months. And at the same time, I can hardly believe this journey is almost over, because as much as I’m ready for it to be over, I also wish it would last forever. The community. The passion my squad, my people, have for seeking whole-heartedly after the Lord. The way I’ve laughed, cried, and been challenged in significant ways. The intimate relationship I’ve found with the Lord, and the joy and freedom that comes from truly knowing His love. These things have made this year life changing.
As much as I know that the time has come for this season to end, I am not ready. I am not ready to let go of this community. I am not ready to stop seeing the world and meeting the most beautiful and warm people. There are so many things I am not ready for, but the thing is, this journey is going to end regardless of if I am ready or not. And that is true about life with Christ. We are not always ready for the things God calls us to. Last year, even though I knew the Lord was calling me to the race, when it came time to board that plane for launch, I wasn’t ready. But if I live my life waiting to be ready, I’ll spend my life waiting.
A teammate shared a blog post with me that really shook me. It challenged me and inspired me in the best way. The post is about choosing to live in freedom. At the end of the blog, she challenges you to let go of being ready. She writes:
Ready is a lie
& it steals
all your hopes & dreams.
& it paralyzes
your feet from moving.
& it cripples
your heart from believing life is most beautiful when living in the unknown.
Don’t be ready,
Be free.
Ready is for people who trust in themselves,
Who want to live small & safe lives.
Freedom is for people who trust in the One who made them,
Who want to live lives too big to be ready for.
–Abigail Green
This is how I want to approach what is next. I want to live in freedom. I want to trust in the goodness of God in such a powerful and secure way that I don’t fear the uncertainty or the fact that I will probably never, ever be ready for what God calls me to. Whether it’s Africa or the classroom, it doesn’t matter. I want to fulfill the purpose God has for me, no matter how big or scary it appears. Because at the end of the day, I want to life a life that is too big to possibly be ready for.
**you can read Abigail Green’s full blog here: http://www.abigailmarygreen.com/blog/2015/4/3/the-day-i-decided-to-stop-listening-to-what-everybodys-saying-im-supposed-to-do-why-im-not-ready-to-get-married-in-44-days
