I’m sitting in my tent in Malawi, Africa on the second floor of Mzuzu Pentecostal Church. The last week has been one of the hardest weeks yet on the race. This time last Sunday, we said goodbye to our first teams and hello to our new teams. My first four months on the race with Team Adopted and then Team DORA are ones I wouldn’t trade for anything. It was messy, hard, beautiful, and full of love.
I was so excited to see that some of the people I had been praying to be on a team with were on my new team! But it was super hard to see that everyone else from Team DORA had kept another team member with them. Josh and Kelsey were obviously still together J. Derek and Lydia are together still. And Isaac is team leader on a team with Jess and Dani. I was praying so hard that I could stay with Dani. It doesn’t help that my two best friends on the race, Jess and Dani, are still on the same team. I was so hurt. I knew Jesus was good and that he had good things for me in this next season but that didn’t change the fact that I was grieved to say goodbye to the people I love so much and living life with them day to day.
Vietnam was a month where I heard from the Lord more clearly than anywhere else in Asia. I also spent more time intentionally praying in Vietnam so it makes sense that I would hear more from the Lord. I am going to write a more in-depth blog soon about what I did and two major lessons the Lord taught me last month but this blog hopefully will give you a glimpse into where I am now as I enter my African season.
I had spent all Sunday night and most of Monday crying. I am one of those people who loves fully and deeply. I fully submerge myself in relationships. I totally commit. I can’t love half-assed. I felt a little bit weak and grew so tired of people asking me if I was ok, when clearly I was not. I also did not want to talk about it. I just wanted to mourn the loss of my old team. I had held them with open hands and so it wasn’t as if I was being ripped apart or wounded by their loss, but something good was now over. And it was ok to mourn.
Monday night we had a bonfire on the beach. I honestly did not want to be there because being around the whole squad is at times draining and I just don’t like it. We began a time of worship and I walked to the ocean. I love the ocean, almost as much as I love the mountains. I stood in the waves, wrapping around my ankles with tears streaming down my face. The wind wiped them across my cheeks and I began to talk to Jesus.
“Why? Why did you strip away everything that mattered to me? You let everyone else keep someone from our old team and you took me away from the ones I love. I hate starting over and being the new kid and you made me be alone again. You kept my best friends together and I have to sit and watch them keep making memories together while I’m not with them. You took everything from me and stripped away all the made me feel safe and loved. Why?!”
And then he answered me. “Because you need to realize that you ONLY Need me. You can’t rely on Jess or Dani to make you feel secure. You only NEED me. I’m going to show you that.” More tears flowed. Because I knew he was right and I am sooo ready to be done learning this lesson.
“It just hurts so much Jesus. I just want to cry but that makes me feel weak.”
“I wept when Lazarus died. I had experienced loss of someone I loved. And I wept and was not ashamed. But new and renewed life came from that.”
That night at the ocean was the last time I really cried about losing my team. Yes, I’ve shed a few tears since then but the deep, soul ache cries are over. Because all I need is Him. He is big enough to handle my broken heart. He is big enough to handle my doubts that my old team will forget about me and won’t love me anymore. That they will no longer pursue me as their friend. Jesus is big enough. Jesus is Enough.
My mentor told me back in March through an email to hold everything with open hands. And that was how I went into debrief holding my team with open hands. Jesus gave them to me for four glorious months but last Sunday he asked for them back. They aren’t gone forever but they aren’t mine anymore. My new team has something to offer me and I have something to offer each of them. I am so excited to grow these next three months with Team Credence and learn that Jesus is truly enough for me. He is all I need.
These first two full days as a team have been so great, full of laughter as we revel in the fact that it is not longer hot as Hades like it was in Asia. I love that I have to sleep in pants and long sleeves. Malawi is beautiful and full of smiling, friendly people. I can’t wait to tell you all God does this month. Thank you for your continued prayers and support. Be looking for new blogs over the next few weeks but be warned that our Internet is slow and often nonexistent. Love you!
XX
