This month’s ministry has been harder than I though it would. Teaching is something I enjoy but this month has been challenging. Dani and I are the primary English grammar and composition teachers so we have been teaching the no fun subjects. I feel like I am boring and incapable of doing this. I want to be a good and interesting teacher and it feels like I’m dry and don’t know how to connect it to them. But I also have been given little direction as far as where the students are in some classes. This has led to the students telling me that they have already covered this.
I’ll be honest. This month has been hard in a lot of ways. I’ve gotten used to falling asleep covered in sweat, where the only moments I’m not sweating are when I’m in the shower. Living in a host home where we only get to leave once a week. Missing my family around my birthday because I spent last year away from them too. Still staring some of my biggest fears in the face as we got to Cambodia. Realizing that most of my fears stem back from roots of insecurity. Learning that there are things I have to change, in the way I think and the way I act and the way I speak because these do not bring life, only the slow death of my self. I will admit there are many days this month that my heart and mind screamed “GIVE UP!” We live 5 minutes from the airport. All throughout the day I hear airplanes, the constant temptation that home is a plane ride or two away. Two days of travel and I could be back in the 828. The reminder that I could quit is so constant that I have to tune out the sound of “the easy way out.” Because yes this month has been really hard, it also has been really good too.
I am greeted by so many smiling faces and “Hello, teacher,” every day by my beautiful students. They are kind and so eager to learn, so sweet to me and respectful. I love playing soccer with the girls on Friday. Yes, we are all terrible because we basically play with no rules, but it is so much fun laughing so hard we fall over onto the turf, or sharing cokes in the grass as we watch the boys finish playing. Team times, deep and full of vulnerability. Home cooked meals by Kelsey and Isaac. A fantastic weekend trip to one of the most beautiful beaches I’ve ever been to. Getting to celebrate my 25th birthday with my new World Race family.
There isn’t really anything profound in this blog. I just wanted to let you know where I am. God is doing a huge thing in me because of my willingness to be changed. I have had the desire to change but the motivation and the will to stick to it for good has been something that’s hard. But on the race, you are constantly in that “pressure cooker” if you will, where the things God is weeding out have to stay out until they are uprooted. This month, that is my debilitating insecurity. Next month, I’m sure Jesus has some great plans. I think I have an idea but I will share more once we get to Vietnam.
Next month is going to be a lot different as far as things with me go. I will have limited access to communication and I will have to monitor my communication very strictly. Vietnam is a closed country. I will most likely be putting a password on my blog and making my Facebook page more private. I love you and miss you guys!
