If you were to ask me right now how I’m doing, I’m not sure I’d have an answer for you.
As I’ve alluded to in other posts, World Race life is harder than I ever imagined it would be. I wake up early, either to the sound of 37 other people starting their day in our house or to the sound of horse hooves tapping purposefully on the pavement outside. My nights are usually plagued with nightmares and I wake up anxious and fearful most days, but I force myself to put on a smile because I have to be intentional with my team and squad at breakfast.
Our ministry day begins as we spend our mornings in worship and prayer: praising Jesus and fighting for each other and the community for hours, but I rarely leave this time feeling full. I’m concerned with the quality of the worship when I lead and how much time is left before lunch when we pray. I am constantly distracted by my 37 squadmates— what are they thinking? are they worshiping? what do they think of me right now?
I find myself getting lost in my thoughts. Insecurity and anxiety run rampant and I get tangled in a self-made web of “whats” and “what-ifs” until I remember that I’m supposed to be praying. Frustrated, I close my journal with a snap, wondering where God is in the midst of all of this.
By lunchtime I’m already exhausted and want to crawl back into my bunk, but I put on another mask to try and interact with my squad. At one, we head to a Roma after school program where we help children with their homework and (try) to teach them English. Then, we either do administrative office work, sort clothes to give to the poor, or visit people in their homes and provide them with milk.
The whole time, my mind is still spinning like a top, overanalyzing, over-criticizing, loathing myself for not loving this Romanian lifestyle. “If I were a good enough missionary,” I tell myself, “I would love this.” Shame, an old friend, rushes in to greet me.
By dinnertime, I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually pooped but we have to once again be intentional with our squad, and then have intentional team time every night. I fall into bed early, uninterested in playing games or talking with anyone anymore. Soon my nightmares begin afresh and the cycle continues.
I found myself getting more and more frustrated. I was content to be on the Race, I was less homesick, but something wasn’t right. Shouldn’t I feel more joyful? Shouldn’t I want to interact with my squad? Shouldn’t I not have to force myself to get out of bed in the morning? Isn’t Jesus pleased with all these things I’m doing for Him?
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One day, I was talking with my (wonderful) boyfriend Dylan and he asked me simple questions that stumped me:
How are you spiritually? What are you learning in the Word? What is God teaching you right now?
I didn’t have an answer for him. After unpacking it a little, he reminded me of these verses:
“Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”
-Luke 10: 38-42
This passage has been one of my favorites ever since I became a believer, but in that moment I read it with new eyes. The words jumped off the worn page, and it was if I was looking at myself in a mirror.
Hello, I told myself. My name is Martha.
I am anxious and troubled about many things. I am distracted with much serving. The Race is set up in such a way that you experience incredible spiritual growth in a year, and your schedule is full of things to do for Jesus, but it’s so easy to get distracted by these things and expect them to fill you up. Unless you’re being like Mary and sitting at the feet of Jesus, you’re going to get burnt out and dry really quickly.
It’s easy for me to type those things out or to tell them to members of my squad, but it’s harder for me to put into practice. I am Burnt Out + Dry, Anxious + Troubled, party of one. I am desperately seeking my Father, trying to find Him in the midst of my busyness, but not quite sure where to begin.
Basically, I don’t have it all together. The Race life is not as glamorous as you’d think. I am on a journey, learning how to be a Mary and be content with just sitting with my Jesus instead of only doing things for Him.
