I was going to write a standard “11 Things Training Camp Taught Me” blog post. I had my outline laid out. The numbers 1 through 11 stared at me on an otherwise blank page. I was ready to write, but I was struggling. How can I possibly just say 11 things about the worst and best ten days of my life?
I felt pressured to write it and write it soon. I had even made a vague list of 11 things I learned, but it felt forced and not real. I sat on the floor in my best friend’s house and desperately tried to put words on a page. I rubbed my temples in a distracted way and let out an audible sigh. This wasn’t going to happen.
Seeing my frustration, my best friend pointed out that whenever I write, I tend to write because the Lord has put something on my heart. I never write out of obligation. He gently challenged me to wait and write what was actually in my heart.
And so, without further ado, this is the story of the moment at training camp when my life changed forever.
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I had been at training camp for six days, and I was a thousand percent ready to come home. I was tired of sweating my guts out. I was tired of camping. I was tired of exercising every morning. I was just tired. I missed my people. I missed my home. I missed real food. There was a low point, after many tears, where I had a speech ready to tell everyone I was not going on the World Race after all. It was simply too hard. There was no way I could actually do this.
We were gearing up to go to yet another session on Sunday night and I was not having it. I remember telling one of my squadmates I wanted to dip out, I was experiencing an information overload, and this session was going to be a struggle for me.
I found myself in a room thick with humidity and with more than two hundred sweaty bodies crosslegged on the hard concrete floor next to me. I didn’t know if I could smell the person next to me, or if it was really me that smelled bad. I lost track of how many days it had been since I showered.
I was daydreaming longingly of my bed and shower back home when a new speaker took the stage and began to teach us about practicing God’s presence. We learned about intimacy with Jesus and how to invite Him into the littlest moments of our lives. We learned how to pray for one another. We learned how to test what we hear against Scripture to see if a teaching or experience is legitimately from the Lord.
About halfway through the service, my mood felt lighter and I could sense the Lord softening my heart towards him. However, in the midst of learning about Him and His heart, I didn’t realize He was about to change my life forever.
After an exercise where we prayed for one another, the pastor asked if anyone had felt anything while another person prayed for them. He singled out two girls who had been praying, and asked them to elaborate on what they experienced. One of the girls said she experienced peace, joy, and confidence while the other girl prayed for her.
“Okay,” the pastor said, “let’s test this. Let’s see if Scripture confirms she would be feeling peace, joy, and confidence from the Lord. Does anyone know of any scriptures that talk about peace, joy, or confidence?”
People’s voices filled the auditorium as they spouted out scripture: the fruits of the spirit in Galatians. Psalms tell us joy comes in the morning. He is our Prince of Peace.
But no one was saying verses about confidence. I felt a gentle push in my spirit as a verse came to my mind: “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:16.
I was going to wait and see if someone else mentioned it first, because I’m not typically the kind to shout out answers during a class or service. But the room remained filled with joy and peace. No one spoke about confidence.
I still felt a gentle push in my heart, and so I decided to tentatively speak up in the crowd.
“We can approach the throne of grace with confidence.” I might have been talking to my neighbor.
The pastor stopped in his tracks and pointed at me. “Say that again,” he prompted.
“We can approach the throne of grace with confidence,” I said, a little louder, as if I were just talking to the preacher and there was no one else in the room.
“Stand up and say that again.”
I was embarrassed now. Was I not saying it correctly? I tried to rack my brain and remember what exactly the verse had said but I couldn’t think of how I was saying it wrong. I stood up in front of the crowd of two hundred, my hair greased back and my rain jacket clasped awkwardly around my waist like I was a smelly soccer mom.
I tried to project as best I could. “We can approach the throne of grace with confidence.”
“Say that one more time please?”
I smiled and closed my eyes. It finally clicked. He was trying to get me to say it with confidence.
“WE CAN APPROACH THE THRONE OF GRACE WITH CONFIDENCE!” I shouted the scripture to the crowd. My peers and leaders cheered and clapped for me, rejoicing with me because I finally got it.
The pastor smiled. “Do you believe it now?” I nodded and he chuckled. “See, everyone? If you confess with your mouth and believe in your heart… He is Lord. He is good.”
I sat down and couldn’t help but grin. There was no way for this pastor to know the one thing I was lacking headed into training camp was confidence in who I am in Jesus. He didn’t know me.
But Jesus did.
Jesus used training camp to strip me down to my core until I felt like I had nothing left to offer and then, starting in this moment, He started to build me back together into a better version of myself.
Before training camp, I was a girl who let anxiety and insecurity run my life. Even though I followed Jesus, served Him, and even mentored girls and told them their eternal value in Him, I didn’t ever believe it for myself. I thought I was a person God only tolerated. I was someone God got tired of quickly. I never felt good enough, pretty enough, or loved enough.
Now, I am on a journey to become a confident, secure woman of God. I can look myself in the mirror and not hate what I see. I can look someone in the eyes and say, “yes, I am a good guitarist,” or “yes, I am beautiful.”
Y’all, we are the sons and daughters of a good, good Father. He is pleased with us just the way we are, but He’s not content to leave us that way. He wants us to be confident in our identity in Him. More than that, He is our confidence!
My challenge for you today is that you would take a minute to soak this in and really assess where you’re at. Are you confident in who God made you to be, or are you skulking in the shadows of your anxieties and insecurities? Let the confidence of Christ wash over you and experience the freedom that comes with knowing you are completely and eternally His!
“Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
-Hebrews 4:16
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.”
-Galatians 5:1
