Nepal is the first country that I’ve fallen instantly in love with it. We stepped off the plane to see gorgeous mountains and be surrounded by cool air and to me that felt like being home. All of our countries have been beautiful in different ways or the people have mostly been wonderful. Nepal just some how feels like home while still being very different than home.
Or maybe I’ve finally become comfortable on the race and my definition of home is expanding. I’m learning to walk in the freedom of knowing that almost nothing will go as planned but that I walk in favor.
What does it mean to walk in favor? It’s knowing that things will work out, that I may get sick, I may be uncomfortable, but those things will pass or they won’t. If they don’t pass, I still will walk in the comfort of the presence of God and the knowledge of God. I now believe He wants good things for me but it was a long and painful road to get there.
If you don’t know me personally, or don’t know me well, there are a few things you should know about pre-race me. I care about people but I also get overwhelmed by people. I am fiercely loyal to those that are my people but it takes me awhile to trust that I am loved or that people want my love. It baffles me when people don’t follow through on their promises or prioritize spending time with those they love because to me it means they don’t care.
The race is teaching me to live in community and that people love differently, prioritize differently, and that, while I both am loved and want to be loved, my identity is found in Christ and not in whether those around me love me (in a way that I believe is) well.
I have a highly logical brain. I want evidence, I want proof, I want the why and the reason. I am high accuracy on the DISC scale and so much of a Thinking on the Myers-Briggs that I’m not entire sure if I’m judging or a perceiving that is hidden by my T. Coming on the race I believed in God for a couple of reasons. I believed in Him because it makes sense to me: I see proof that Jesus was an actual historical figure who changed the world and I see historical evidence that other Biblical events are true. I also believe in God because I’ve heard from Him. He speaks to me; sometimes through a knowledge or understanding, sometimes by sending comfort when I need it, and sometimes with actual words and answers.
Despite all of that, I processed God as a good God who, while He wanted good for us, was not an intervening God. I couldn’t figure out how God could be both a loving God and an intervening God. I think it’s a truth that has a long and complicated answer and I’m not sure any of us will fully understand it until we get to heaven. I’ve seen God’s heart on the race and it’s one that wants to protect us when possible and give us comfort when we have to go through the pain of this world.
My prayer at training camp was that I would see God more fully. I came on the race because I wanted to serve people around the world, regardless of whether it was through a secular or Christian organization. I realized a few months after saying yes that I also wanted to see if the God of the early church could still exist if I left my western box. He answered that prayer by letting me be a part of healing prayer in month one and showing me His work again and again since. I just had to let Him in and invite Him to work.
At the start of the race, I still wanted to know if a personal relationship with God was possible. You see, I’m not huge on feelings and emotions. I want to help people and I like figuring out why people do what they do. I can fake emotion well, but I process the world through thoughts. My sentences start with “I think” far more often than with “I feel.” While I wanted a personal God, I couldn’t grasp the reality of one, and even though I had heard from Him from time to time, I couldn’t comprehend how He wants constant conversation with us. I couldn’t grasp how telling Him my hopes and fears was important because He was God and how dare I think I’m important enough to interact with Him on a personal level.
I was so very wrong.
He desires for me to want to come to Him first. He wants me to be free; free in who I am, free to call Him Dad, free to walk in the favor and protection of being a King’s daughter, and He wants me to know that His heart breaks for the things that are wrong in the world and that He is good and loving Father despite the wrong in the world.
Maybe I’m so in love with this place because here is where I feel God telling me to be free and showing me how beautiful that freedom is.
