I wrote this during my final debrief in Mui Ne, Vietnam several days ago. I am now back in America.
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It’s 4 am here in Vietnam. I can’t sleep. This debrief has been a rough one for me physically. I came here fighting a cold, then almost immediately began breaking out in heat rashes all over my body. Yesterday, I got sick(er) and began throwing up. Right now, I have a migraine.
I leave for America tomorrow. Am I ready? That’s a loaded question. Yes, no, maybe, I don’t know. Yes, because I’m sick and nothing makes you miss home more than wanting your sweet mama to take care of you. Yes, because I miss my family and friends. Yes, because I’m ready for a new season. Yes, because I’m ready for what God has been preparing for me. Yes, for so many reasons. No, because the race is comfortable now. No, because what’s beyond this is now the unknown. The unknown requires a lot of faith. No, because I’m fearful of the lack of community waiting for me when I get home.
Final debrief has been a bit surreal. It’s like waiting for your wedding day, and when it finally arrives you don’t know what to do or how to act. All you know to do it is walk down the aisle and say yes. I don’t know what to do, but it’s time to go. The World Race is an 11 month mission trip, and I’m entering month 12. There’s so much hype around re-entry, I’m just ready to do it. I don’t feel at all prepared, but I’m as prepared as I’ll ever be.
So, what’s next? That’s something I’ve been praying about a LOT. It used to be an unhealthy obsession, and one of the primary topics of my prayers. But, as my faith grew my fears lessened. Upon my return to the US, I intend to pursue my career. My long term dream is to become a full-time freelancer. That’s actually something I would love to pursue now, but I’m not sure I’m ready – I think I have more to learn. I’ve been very slowly working on my website in order to begin applying for jobs as soon as possible back in the states. For me, the job search always goes back to identify. ‘Am I good enough?, What can I offer that someone else cant?’. Admittedly, it’s been a source of fear. But God has once again proven himself faithful. Without going into much detail (yet!), I’m feeling much more hopeful about my career prospects.
My career has always meant a lot to me, and before the race it held the wrong place in my heart. Now, my passions remain, but my dream has changed. Previously, I was chasing the American Dream. Now, my dream is to glorify and honor the creator through what I do – design. On the race, I’ve come to understand the importance of spiritual, physical, and mental health, and how closely tied they all are. Throughout college, I worked constantly. It was a necessity then, but it formed a habit after. Now, I’m looking for a job that allows me to put my spiritual, physical, and mental health first. Those are just as honoring to God, and how can I expect to honor God through my work, but not my body? The work starts at home, in the temple – my body. So, in short the answer to ‘what’s next’ is a full time design job.
I want to be genuine and relay some of my fears about going back home. Again, there’s been so much hype about it, I almost don’t know what to expect, but it seems like ‘failure’ is definite. That’s something I’ll be actively fighting against. I just shared some of my career aspirations with you. One of the most common fears amongst myself and my squad mates upon going home is returning to how we used to be. Mine is similar. I don’t feel called to long term missions or ministry. At the same time, life is a mission. My fear in pursuing my career is that I’ll fall back into pursuit of the American Dream, not of glory for my Creator.
So, here I ask for your prayers and your accountability.
– That I remember who I am and remain rooted in my identity in the job search.
– That Gods will becomes abundantly clear in what jobs I will pursue / accept.
-That I focus and pursue on Kingdom dreams over the American Dream.
– That Gods will becomes abundantly clear in what jobs I will pursue / accept.
-That I focus and pursue on Kingdom dreams over the American Dream.
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Thank you all for your prayers and support along my World Race journey. I have so appreciated having you on this journey with me. I look forward to updating your further on life back in America, and appreciate your continued prayers for my re-entry process.
Thanks,
AnnaKate
