I’m asked a lot on the World Race how I’m doing. This can change minute by minute. Today, I’m not ok. Today I reached the end of myself. Today I realized I’ve got nothing left to give. Nothing. I’ve still got two months or so left on the race, and I can’t do it anymore. I wake up each morning exhausted and fall into bed at the end of each night even more so.
What do you do when you reach the end of yourself? You surrender. You do what you should have done a long time ago and stop looking to yourself for strength. Several of my squad mates have been coming to this conclusion as well, but it’s never real until it’s you. I’m tired, I’m broken, and I’m at the end of myself. All the B12 vitamins in the world couldn’t help this exhaustion. So here I am, in Chiangmai, Thailand laying on my bunk in surrender.
He gently asks ‘Are you done?’
I’m done.
‘Jesus take it all. I’ve got nothing left to give.’
I rest in this moment of complete surrender. In this moment of realizing that I can never give enough, never be enough, never love enough. Without Him. It’s when we get to the end of ourselves that He can really take over and work. When we’re out of the way, then He gets the credit He deserves. That in itself is hope-giving. I find it an honor to surrender myself to the King who surrendered everything.
So I’m moving out of the way. I can’t honestly say I’m recharged and ready to go, but I’m hopeful. I have hope. I have purpose. I’m not giving up, I’m not giving in. There is peace in His presence.
I’ve been studying the Jewish names of God lately, and one of my (many) favorites is Jehovah Nissi, The Lord is my Banner. In battle, banners mark victory. I may not feel victorious right now, but scripture reassures us that Christ has already won the victory. The Lord is my Victory.
I’ll end with a line from a song that came on my worship playlist while in the midst of surrender.
“Your name is victory. By your spirit I will rise from the ashes of defeat. The resurrected King is resurrecting me. In your name I come alive to declare your victory.”
– Elevation Worship, Resurrecting
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Prayers: Most of my squad is coming to a similar conclusion. We’re tired. We’ve been working hard for 9 months now. Please be praying for strength, endurance, and perseverance. We need it.
