This blog is over two months late now, but better late than never? This is one I’ve avoided writing, but it’s one I feel I should in order to share with you my identity story. It’s time.
The people in Zimbabwe are incredibly candid. At first I just found it humorous, but by the end of the month I found it rude and hurtful. There were 15 separate instances in Zimbabwe where I was essentially called fat. This is a good time to mention the power of the tongue, because I still remember every instance and setting where this happened.
“A girl your size wouldn’t be able to climb it” (In reference to their prayer mountain)
“Oooh, you are fat!” (Said on my morning run)
“You should exercise more often.” (Said by a local pastor we worked with)
“Oh, hey big mama!” (Said by a friend of our host)
I could keep going, but you get the point. Every time this happened it felt like a knife to my chest. I’ve struggled with this my entire life and here are strangers telling me who I am. Every single time they hurt, but I tried not to show it. I tried to remain strong and stoic. Until January 28. It’s my teammate Shrena’s birthday. Some of the girls on the team want to have a photoshoot in the field outside the house we’re staying in. I had bought a dress the month earlier that I wanted to wear. I grab it, put it on, and it’s too tight. Then all of the words people has said to me came rushing back. In that moment my mind read them all as truth. That’s when Shrena stepped in. My friend – on her birthday, sat with me in my puddle of tears on the floor and spoke truth into me. She spoke ‘I Am’ statements over me. She spoke over me who God says I am and who the bible says I am. She literally sat with me in my mess and pulled me out of it. She saw the lies the enemy was feeding me and interceded on my behalf.
I pull myself together and she encourages me to still participate in the photo shoot. That was the last thing in the world I wanted to do in that moment. Not only did she and my other teammates encourage me to do it, they encouraged me to do it make up free. “Make up free? No, that’s crazy. Ok, fine.”
I know who I am and I know where I’ve come from. I know I’m not where I was spiritually or physically 7 months ago. I don’t need to justify myself to strangers. They have no right to tell me who I am. Only God can do that. So here I am. One of my most broken days on the race. I’m certainly not asking for affirmation or compliments, just trying to share my identity story so that it may help someone else step into who they’re called to be. I hope this is able to do that.
