This past week, I have been at debrief back in Antigua with my entire squad. Debrief is a time where everyone comes together and gets a week of rest from our normal ministry, so that we can return to our different areas feeling full rather than drained. I had so much free time to explore, sleep, and get to know my teammates better, but I also had a lot of time to realize things about myself that I never found the time to sit down and notice. After having our leaders pour into us for the week, we are back in ChiChi and I feel refreshed and able to pour into Juan and his ministry, and grow in the things I was able to realize about myself.
One huge thing I have noticed so far is how different the World Race is than how it may appear to others. Before coming on this trip, I would see people’s pictures and get excited to soon be in these cool places doing these cool things- I never imagined the hard times that most everyone probably went through during the trip. I tried to go into this experience without any expectations, and thought I did just that, but there were definitely some expectations I had that I didn’t realize until just now. I went into this trip thinking “eh I don’t have to do much to come back an entirely new person…I will be living in such rough conditions in a community with such strong Christians that it would just happen; no effort required.” I thought I would have to fully rely on God because times would get so tough, and that I would have people pouring into me day in and day out. However, it has been nothing like I imagined. My teammates are going through the exact same things as I am, and I can not rely on them for me to experience growth. My expectation was to just make the tough, bold decision to come here, and the rest would just happen. But the reality is that having a relationship with God is a choice and it takes a lot more effort than I ever thought.
At first I was disappointed that I didn’t have an automatic change of heart and I wasn’t immediately set on fire for God. I found myself frustrated because I wasn’t at the place I needed to be with the Lord, yet was choosing to spend the next year of my life telling people how awesome He is. I started to read my bible every single morning and I constantly prayed that I would experience God on this new level, but it wasn’t happening. All I wanted out of this trip was to learn how to fully live for the Lord and have my life centered around him, but somehow none of this seemed to be happening. I was still struggling with gossip and negativity, and I found myself not looking forward to doing ministry each day. I was really confused on why I would be feeling like this after I decided to pursue this trip in order grow and put God first in my life. I began doubting and questioning why I was here and what exactly I believed in. These were NOT the thoughts I expected to be going through my mind on a nine-month mission trip…
It wasn’t until a few days ago when one of my teammates wrote me a letter, that I began seeing the good in my situation. I was given constructive feedback about how I need to work on seeing the validity of my prayers, insight, thoughts, and my relationship with God. Just because I wasn’t this “crazy” Christian going into the trip, didn’t mean that my prayers were valued less than others; or that God cared about me any less. I haven’t experienced much growth because although I’ve been “trying”, I never truly believed that it would happen. I never gave myself achance to really grow. Now that I’ve realized this, I can push myself even more than I have been.
I came into this trip expecting everything to just casually happen, but I am now learning how to make my relationship with God my own. I began this journey knowing and loving the Lord, but my relationship with Him was still surface level. I am now learning that a relationship with God is the same as any other, it takes a lot of work and effort for it to really grow. As much as I would love to have come into this trip feeling the closest with God that I ever have felt, and instantly grown deeper with him, that was not the case. I am now able to realize that it is all for the best. I have been questioning my faith, which can be discouraging; but I am really thankful because I am now able to start from the beginning and truly discover what I believe. I am going to use this year to develop a REAL and INTIMATE relationship with God and understand what that’s all about. It may be hard now, but I trust that it is going to be so so worth it.
